Latest Posts by eternallychaoticc - Page 2

I'm gonna find and kill the person who said 'adulthood is just one crisis after another'

because it's not. it's MULTIPLE fucking crises AT THE SAME TIME

I'd kiss you even if your lips were poison

I'd hug you even if you were covered in thorns

But the way you're so indifferent to me

Makes me wish I'd never been born

yeah executive dysfunction goes hard

again, if they want to, they will.

I never doubted my parents’ love for me. but I often question whether or not they actually like me

maybe I'm so cliché because for once I just want to feel like I'm normal

*showing visible symptoms* oh my god i need help desperately

*symptoms go away for one day* what if im just faking it

date idea: u tell me exactly how u feel about me in specific detail until my brain calms down and stops thinking u hate me

Death is an old friend.

She rocked my cradle when I was a baby. Held my hand as I took my first steps. Sat with me at lunch in school when no one else did.

She never says anything, but I understand her nevertheless. She finds ways to comfort me in silence.

I thought she was cold and distant at first. Cruel, even. When she tore apart families, orphaned young children, made parents have to bury their hearts along with their babies.

But she also provided peace to the ones who have been sick for a long time. Brought justice to those who wronged others. Ended much suffering.

She's kind and cruel at the same time.

She arranges visits with my grandpa sometimes if I ask nicely. He doesn't trust her, but he likes visiting me. He manages to put up with her long enough.

She's always there for me. Even when no one else is. Especially when they all leave. She visits me when I sleep, giving me a preview of what awaits.

She tells me my time will come soon enough. I'm glad. I find solace in her cold arms.

Shut up, I know others have it worse.

I know I’m a horrible person.

I know that I deserve my poisoned mind.

I know that I’m not worth anything.

I know that I deserve everything that’s coming for my life and my throat.

I know that no one will ever want me.

I know that I’m ugly.

I know that I’ll never be loved by a stranger.

I know that I don’t deserve to complain.

I know that I’m privileged.

Goddamnit, I fucking know that I deserve these thoughts, that I deserve to die and, god, I know that I should’ve never been born to begin with.

So shut the fuck up.

I was never meant to go through this much character development

There's nothing I wouldn't do for you

And yet it's not enough

Because I was never the one for you

Even though you were the one for me

Your love is like a black hole

As I fall, time slows down

Until I reach the singularity

And it completely absorbs me

I love poetry so much that I keep falling in love with poets

I’m unmedicated, all my thoughts are free range and organic

damn that's a beautiful addition. might make another poem inspired by that lol

I know I'm just holding onto a wilting flower

The corpse of hope decaying before me

But I can't let go of it, and I won't

Not until just the skeleton remains

I know I'm just holding onto a wilting flower

The corpse of hope decaying before me

But I can't let go of it, and I won't

Not until just the skeleton remains

haha guess who traumatized their therapist (he needs therapy now)

They say being addicted to a person is more dangerous than being addicted to a drug. Too bad I've never been one to heed advice.

It's never a single thing that kills you

It's death by a million paper cuts

Unlearned Gravity

There’s a weightlessness

in the way I speak to you.

not floating,

but falling,

like lungs forgetting they were drowning.

You don’t ask for the truth,

but I offer it

like a child with scraped palms

offering dirt

as if it were gold.

And still—

something in me bends,

like an instrument warped by weather,

its chords creaking,

familiar,

like grief that never needed

a reason to return.

Do you ever feel it too—

the ease,

and then the sorrow that follows

without knocking?

The way something so simple

can still

hurt

like memory.

Escape

I've spent my whole life running away

From something or someone

Trying to put as much distance as I can

Between myself and others

But I've somehow managed

To distance myself from me

I don't know who I am anymore

Or what I am supposed to be

Now I'm trying to figure out

How to connect with myself

But it's like trying to bridge a chasm

That has no definite end

But ever since I met you

That gap seems smaller somehow

You've filled it with your warmth

And it doesn't seem impossible now

To find myself again

To be human, to be kind

You've glued all the puzzle pieces

Healed my body and mind

I've only ever thought about you once

Because you've never left my mind

It's you I think about before I go to sleep

Each and every night

You haunt me in my dreams

And every waking moment too

It's like I can't escape you

But I'm not sure if I want to

And I'm still spending my life running

But this time, I'm not running away

It's you who I'm running towards

And I'm hoping you'll let me stay

Because this is the first time

I'm not planning an escape

I finally feel like I'm home

And I'm hoping you'll let me stay

I've been mentally ill for most of my life. It's the only way I know how to exist.

I've become comfortable in my own fucked up world. I feel comforted by my fucked up thoughts in my fucked up mind. It's familiar, and familiar is comfortable. I feel safe in my own lack of safety.

Healing, on the other hand, is unfamiliar. Unpredictable. Scary. I've convinced myself that I don't want to heal. That I'm better off this way.

I'm Prometheus, chained to the rock as the eagle devours my liver everyday. But he's my only friend.

I'm Sisyphus, pushing the boulder up the mountain every day only for it to roll back down. But at least I know it will always be by my side.

I'm Tantalus, tied to the riverbed below a tree bearing luscious fruit. The water and fruit dance out of my way every time I reach for them, no matter how hungry or thirsty I get. But at least I don't harbor false hope that maybe I'll someday be satisfied.

Mental illness is much the same for me. I've become comfortable in my own misery. It is cruel, yes. But at least there is kindness in the surety of its cruelty.

And I've made my peace with drowning.

Grey

Whenever I love something, I put a little piece of my heart into it. Kind of like a horcrux. But a piece of it also lodges itself in my soul, making it its home.

I am the sum of each book I've read, every movie I've watched, each place I've been. I am every person around me.

But I am also the culmination of every mistake I've ever made. Every negative thought, each bad feeling, each horrible experience.

Everything, good and bad, coexists in me. I am every moment I've lived.

The happy and nostalgic moments with friends, the horrible fights with family. The exciting new experiences, the traumatic moments I wish to forget. The white mixed with the black, painting a hauntingly beautiful landscape in a thousand different shades of grey.

But the whole is supposedly greater than the sum of its parts. Maybe someday, I can be more than all that makes me up. Maybe someday, I can be that whole.

I'm just the culmination of all things I hate

I put on a mask because I’m so scared of being seen

But now that mask is fused with my skin, and I can't take it off

I think one of the worst symptoms of bpd is the lack of emotional permanence no matter how many good and loving people you have in your life the second you are alone it feels like you were never loved and it was all just a figment of your imagination

You could be digging my grave

And I'd hand you the shovel

And I'd light myself on fire

Just to keep you warm

You could put a gun to my temple

And I'd tell you to pull the trigger

Because I’d take anything you could give me

Even if it’s just pain and suffering

I’d take anything

As long as it’s you who gives it to me

I can't give you the stars

Because they aren't mine to give away

But I can carve your name into my skin

Because I was always yours to begin with

Bittersweet

I love you and hate you, both at the same time.

I love the way you say my name, but I hate that it's always out of disappointment.

I love the way you smile, but I hate that it's never towards me.

I love the way you talk, but I hate that you would never talk to me first.

I love the way you look, but I hate that you never look at me.

I love the way you care about others, but I hate that you never care about me.

I love the way you pay attention to detail, but I hate that I'm the only one you ignore.

I love the way you just exist. But I hate that it wouldn't matter to you if I didn't.

I hate loving you.

But you love hating me.