eternallychaoticc

Latest Posts by eternallychaoticc

i let someone into the deep recesses of my head and all i got was a stupid "it'll get better".

top ten humbling experiences: forcing yourself to choke down food with shaky hands while trying not to faint

relapse yayyyy

I'm sorry for not being talkative

“Some people just can never understand how much they really mean to you.”

— Unknown

can mutuals DM you?

Mutuals can throw me into a ceiling fan

Is this all I’ll ever be?

Tired of waking up with the same ache in my chest that I went to sleep with

understanding is born only from the deep dark depths of having gone through the same hell

inspired by @yourangelciggy

I’m still trying to figure out if I am valid

Or if I’m as worthless as you make me feel

Stupid of me to think that I'm important to someone.

Inconvenience

It's funny how ‘inconvenience’ starts with an ‘I’. I was born an inconvenience. Ever since I can remember, I've always been told how much I'm a bother to others. How much I cost to keep around.

I can't talk too loud, laugh too loud, talk in front of elders, or take up my own space. I’m not allowed to. Be. Human. I'm not a person, just an ornament for decoration.

You made me feel like I wasn't worth it. Wasn't enough. And like a fool, I believed it. Internalized it. Became it.

Now I'm afraid to talk to people. I'm afraid of being too loud, afraid of taking up too much space. You ask me why I'm always quiet, but you never even gave me a voice. I make myself as small as possible, but I still feel like an inconvenience.

You never allowed me to be myself. And now I don't even know who I am.

I can't laugh in front of others, so I just smile like a broken doll that's empty on the inside. People ask me why I'm always smiling. And maybe it's because I did become that showpiece on display.

I never asked for a lot, because maybe if I required less, I wouldn't be an inconvenience. Maybe if I settled for the bare minimum, people wouldn't have to go out of their way for me.

It didn't work.

You would rather I didn't exist than me become an inconvenience to you or anybody else. I was always the problem, the one to blame. The scapegoat.

And what did I ever do? I just existed. That too not of my own volition. You brought me here, but you made me pay for my existence.

But to be honest, I’m tired of this. Tired of playing your twisted game where you designed the rules to serve yourself. Tired of trying to make myself invisible. Tired of being an inconvenience to you and everyone around me.

I just hope my death isn't an inconvenience.

remembering your beautiful laugh feels like a knife through the heart

I always sleep with one eye open, on the door

scared of the eyes I think will stare back

cutting isnt enough i need to blow my head off

maybe an actual cage would feel less like a prison than this place I call home

I don't want to get better anymore, it's pointless

another depressive episode yippee

The urge to slice my fucking neck open.

I don't need therapy, I need to die

what is anger if not pain in disguise?

Ship of Theseus

I've always been a people pleaser. Seems ironic when I can't name a single person who's actually pleased with me.

I see what people need from me. I become what is needed. I am the fun, bubbly person among introverts, the quiet one among extroverts.

I become the listener when someone needs to vent, chatter incessantly when the silence becomes awkward.

I become the leader when no one steps up, and blend into the background, following orders, when someone does step up.

I am always blending, changing, shifting, to maintain the balance. To ensure everything runs smoothly.

I put myself into every mold made for me, even when I don't actually fit. And then, I cut away parts of me that stick out.

But what do I cut off once there's nothing left?

I try to fill all the empty spaces. Replace them with other things. Joy turns into sacrifice. Happy memories turn into resentments. Love turns into heartache.

Now I'm the Ship of Theseus. Am I still me? Or is this all I will remain?

I'll search for you in every person I meet

the moments after hanging out with friends when you just feel so lonely <<<

and the fact that I tried to warn you about it! multiple times! :D

So you’ve finally discovered that I’m a disappointment? Congratulations, I’ve known this fact for years! Hope this helps!

it's The Ship of Theseus all over again huh

How much can I change before it becomes murder?

you think I'm special? no honey, I'm special NEEDS

My feelings of boredom are begining to overcome me. I don't feel anything, not on my own. Recently, I began to conform less and mask less in an attempt to see who I was without the mask. The answer is nobody. I have no distinctive personality.

I lack anything human.

I don't have any opinions. I don't care about anything. It's an issue, because it means I am forced to face the fact that I don't feel anything. I don't have a personality, I can't be a human, so why am I here? My existence is pointless if I don't experience life. I'm not going to kill myself yet, maybe in a few years when I have freedom and no reason to keep going.

Right now the people around me give me something to live for. They remind me that I am perceived, and that my death would do something. Their existence reminds me that right now, I don't want to die, I just don't want to have responsibilities. I don't want to do anything,because everything is boring.

One day I will be liberated by death and cease to exist, but that day is not right now.

— Clementine Von Radics, from In A Dream You Saw A Way To Survive; "The Fear" (via lunamonchtuna)