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Obsession or love
They all got it wrong. Carlos cannot not think about how they all got it wrong. It being Oscars' dynamic, their dynamic really, but mostly they got Oscar wrong. Carlos may seem biased, but he likes to think he is not, especially because he knows he himself is a hotheaded guy, so yeah it is honestly an objective way of thinking. Oscars' fans seem to think he is the next Raikkonen with a cool demeanor, when he is actually a very good Schumacher in hiding. He is all, but a chill, nonchalant guy Oscar is not.
Actually he may be, but not when it's about Carlos. Because when it's about Carlos it's scary how quickly his eyes darken and his jaw clenches. Whatever the topic may be, the reaction is the same. If Charles mentions a lunch they did not got together, but Carlos promised him they'll see each other soon, the blond cannot help the way his fingers move to form a fist and when he catches himself the nail marks are already deep in the skin. If it's Lando who speaks then it's worse, because usually the lunch, the dinner or whatever did happen and then the jealousy is very visible if you look at Oscar at that moment. Usually no one does, except Carlos. Sometimes he'll feel a pair of eyes on him or even a chill air will crawl to his spine. It excites him and it scares him. Not like sometimes it scares him. It scares him that it excites him.
It's all so primitive to feel the need like you belong to someone, but the blood flows faster when the spaniard thinks like that. Especially when it's Oscar. It's not like he and Oscar are together, he just gets jealous whenever someone else has Carlos time or attention. Actually Carlos doesn't know that because they never talked about this weird thing between them. Actually there is nothing between them, they did not have a date, ever, did not have sex, didn't even kiss once. All that is between them is this unspoken want. And Carlos can't lie, it's from both sides.
At first Carlos didn't pay much attention to Oscar, just occasionally greeting each other and a polite smile. That until they were at a party and he caught Oscar multiple times looking straight at him with impossible dark eyes. He thought it was because they touched each other on track that day. Slightly. It shouldn't even matter, he then saw the way his eyes burned with hatred. But not towards him. Towards Lando who was like usual handsy and like half on Carlos' lap. Well maybe they fought or whatever. But it didn't stop there. Oscar who was not a big party guy kept coming to them, never spoke to Carlos and always looked at him. Who was he talking to, watched everyone who passed him and even when he was far from him he could see the occasional jaw clenching, fist forming, eyes darkening and an air of danger emanating from the younger. It did not scare Carlos. Maybe because it was not towards him or maybe because he liked it. Still, no one acted on it. That untill.
It was Saturday, which means quali. It was the Spanish GP and of course Carlos could not not hope for the best. He qualified 3rd, so the hopes are high, but Charles is on pole and he knows what comes next. If Charles somehow doesn't have some problems, then Ferrari will never allow him to overtake. That assuming he passes the McLaren in 2nd. Which is Oscars'. Well he could dream about Oscar and Charles taking each other out, but the delusion will not help him win his home race. And so he absently answers the questions they ask him in the interview and tries to ignore the staring he gets from Oscar, as he has more to think about now. Of course the Ferrari asks to bring a 1-2, with Charles on top position. And he gets it, he should've qualified higher if he wanted the strategy around him, but realistically speaking, that team does not ever think about him first, even when starting higher, so not much to loose there.
It's Sunday when Oscar approaches him and stands near for the hymn. It may have been Lando's place but he doesn't have the time for that, he needs to focus on the race in front of his home fans, his whole family, he dreams being the next Spanish driver to win at home following his idol.
- Don't worry, Carlos, it'll be a good race. - tells him Oscar stepping off the platform and before Carlos could even process what he said, the younger had already took off. Usually one would say good luck ar something similar, not that. What a weird guy really.
- Thank you. - Carlos says to Oscars' back and he could swear the Australian heard him, even if he was already far, because he stopped in his steps and slightly turned his head before taking off again. Really weird.
Carlos has a plan from Ferrari, pass Oscar, take 2nd, bring 2nd home. Nice strategy, it really concerns him how he is not surprised that even his own garage does not favor him. The race starts, he starts well, the same as Oscar, he thinks of passing him at turn one, he has the inside line at T1 but immediately is T2 where he has the outside so it's a little tricky, but manageable. He watches Oscar in front of him, visualises the trajectory blinks and sees Oscar take Charles out. Not brocedes level dramatic, he knows how that looked, had a front row seat, but still very efficient. Oscar still in front of him, but with damage, he needs to pass him quickly, before Max closes on him and before the red flags. He was only near Oscar for a fraction of a second but he still could feel the younger's eyes on him, didn't even need to see them, couldn't even, the visor was down. And then he got it. Don't worry, Carlos. Oscar took Charles out deliberately. For him to win. What a freak. Fuck, this guy is not normal. A gifted win again, many would say, who cares, a win is a win. A home race win is even better. He manages to bring it home in P1. Race winner. Max is in second and Lando in third. Oscar retired the car on lap 13. He celebrates, of course he does. All the Spain is looking at him, but on his mind is one single boy. He celebrates with his garage, Charles there, very good teammates style. He hears the stewards decided it was a racing incident, because "Oscar lost the control over the car", and really very hard to believe even if he wasn't the spectator in first row at this theatre. So yeah. He celebrates, invites the whole grid to a friends' club. He sees Charles and Oscar talking, the latter almost not paying attention. Well at least the brothers are still friendly. He parties wild and feels a pair of eyes on him at all times, but doesn't care much, even gives him a whole show of dancing with many partners. And then the feeling disappears and it's lonely. Sees Oscar leaving, and when it's your party you can do whatever you want, even leave early. Especially if he is after some explanations.
- Leaving so early, Oscar? - he sees the boy outside the club, clearly trying to order a cab. Carlos can't lie and pretend the boy isn't pretty, especially in the dim lightning of the moon that accentuate every feature on Oscars' face and the way he looks at Carlos makes wanting him so easy. Really he could say he never craved much attention, untill he felt what it's like to have 100% of it from a person and now he needs it like it's air.
- Yeah, mate, long day. - a flat tone and again this nonchalant gimmick, Carlos doesn't believe in it one bit. Especially when he could see the way the boy looked when Carlos danced with Lando a little too close to a very sexy song. Actually he looked not so much angry as defeated, and that may have made Carlos take action. Because Oscar doesn't suit that expression, he is a winner, he is world champion material, he does not suit defeat, Carlos needed to make him feel like a winner again. And what the boy wanted more is right in front of him.
- Want to go to mine? - the boy looks taken aback but only a fraction, like if he doesn't respond now he loses the chance. - I have a nice place nearby, we could chat a bit more. - Carlos approached the boy and they are now barely centimetres apart, he could see the flushed pink cheeks and the dark eyes, not the colour, just the expression. And oh boy, how he wanted to always have this eyes on him.
- Wouldn't some people miss you? - no flat tone this time, but Carlos thinks that Oscar couldn't pretend to not care when asking about that. He does get jealous pretty easy. Possessive. All the time, and it's not like he is insecure, just craves what he thinks he cannot have. But he can have him actually, the younger just doesn't know that yet.
- Eh, they saw me already. Plus we really do have things to talk about. - the younger was not surprised, clearly he waited for Carlos to acknowledge him some way or another for what he did today on the track. Drivers don't do that. Usually.
- Sure, then. - the drive was really short, awkward not so much, some tension yes, but really mostly silence. They arrived quickly and Carlos guided him to the right apartment.
- Can i get you something to drink? - asked Carlos while turning on the lights, he could feel Oscar scanning the apartment in something, and knowing him, he most likely searched for another person's belongings in the apartment. And yes, again this feeling of belonging to gets the best of Carlos. He likes it. Likes it better that it's from Oscar. - It's an Airbnb. My place in Barcelona is too far from the track, but it does feel nice to live at least one race weekend not in a hotel. - explained Carlos while he got to the kitchen, he took a beer from the fridge and when Oscar nodded, brought the second one and placed it in front of him on the kitchen island.
- Don't you want to ask me why i did it? - Oscar looks at him and waits for Carlos to put the bottle down so that he could answer him. Because Oscar, thinking back to it, feels like he just did the stupidest shit ever, anyone could watch closely to his hands and see that he did it deliberately, and that despite it being only his second year in F1, that mistake is stupid even for a rookie. He feels stupid, but somehow cannot bring himself to think about it for more than 1 minute, because he remembers Carlos smiling at his home crowd form the top step and nothing really matters more than that. And isn't that concerning.
- I know why you did it. Knew for some time. Waited for you to act on it. - Carlos studies the way the boys' face changes with emotions, at first surprise, then confusion and then doubt. Because Oscar thought he hides it well. He has another one coming then if he thinks like that. All that obsession and need for attention from the older is hard to hid.
- And...it doesn't scare you? - the younger looks from under his eyelashes, head a little down and waits for an answer, Carlos isn't cruel, he needs to spare the younger from going too much in his head. Well, yeah the boy is a little weird, and very obsessed, and gets jealous easy and has a scary look to his face sometimes, but no one treated Carlos that way, no one placed him before everyone and everything else, so who is Carlos to judge the boys' ability to love...in his own way. Carlos does not love him. Yet. But he feels like he can. For now the thinks the boy is verry pretty and needy and he loves that.
- It does not, Oscar. - he places the hand on Oscars' one and looks for the reaction from the latter, who now is only looking at the hand above his likely contemplating all his life choices that lead him to this moment - I promise you, it does not and i think it is time you can show me all of it. - it certainly tempts Oscar, but he does not yet move, he feels this may still be a dream of some sort, so Carlos thinks he can help the younger, after all it is to his help he is a race winner today. He leans above the kitchen island and kisses Oscar. Briefly, then leans back and waits for the response, and when it comes he isn't ready. Because Oscar in one moment is in front of him on the other side of the kitchen island and in the next the boy is in front of him, between his spread legs on the chair and kisses him hard. Nothing like Carlos' own kiss, brief and sweet. It may or may not be called a claiming kiss, because he could feel the possessiveness from the kiss only, not to mention the hand that does not allow the older to move his head. Some would be ashamed to be claimed like that by a younger person, but not Carlos, because he feels so wanted right now, he cannot process thoughts at the moment, not even his own, so no, he does not care about what others may think.
- Is this okay? Please tell me this is okay. - Oscar said after some time, between kisses, before parting a little and holding Carlos by his face with both hands as if he could change this moment right this instant and not even listen to what he has to say - I want to continue, but please, Carlos, i need to know I won't loose you tomorrow. It's not a one time thing for me, i want you for the rest of my life, like this, or even if i never acted like that today and we got to be friends it would still work for me, just please. Forever. It will be hard for me, because i want to touch you all the time, to hear you all the time, to see you and it kills me that you are not mine, but i would prefer that to this if it means that what we do today is a one time thing. It would kill me to have you only once, i would prefer to never know you like this, than to have to forget. - the boy paused his rushed monologue to watch at Carlos' face, still holding him, but softer as if he would allow Carlos to set himself free if he wanted.
- It's okay, Oscar. - the man takes the boy's face in his own palms and kisses him lightly in the corner of his mouth. - I knew what you wanted from the start, and i want it too. Forever. I never knew i could feel this loved before you appeared in my life, and if it was like this when we barely talked, i want the full force of it.
- I am sorry if it sometimes will be too much. I often get jealous. As in all the time. And that was when you weren't even mine. Now i would just get territorial and have the need to protect what's mine. - the boy started, he could fell another monologue incoming, but Carlos placed another kiss on his lips, this one slightly longer.
- Hey, tesoro, look at me. - urged Carlos - Never, promise me, never apologise for the way you love. It is my responsibility now that I've accepted it, okay? Promise me. - and instead of promising Oscar just did what he could. Showed his love. Full force. He, with help and willingness from Carlos got to the couch in the living room and sat Carlos in his lap. He moaned just from the feeling of Carlos' weight on him, his own tights were not visible and it turned him on so much, he grabbed the olders' ass and held into it like someone was trying to take it from him. His own idea scared him. Someone else having Carlos like that so he grabbed even tighter and as if Carlos could read his mind the murmured in Oscars' lips: No one else, just you, need just you. If Oscar hadn't been hard since he first kissed Carlos in the kitchen it would have been enough to get now. Yes, thinks Oscar, mine. Mine to love, all mine. All this is fucking mine. Finally.
Some could say, this isn't love, just an obsession. And Oscar would say some could fuck off, because he knows better. He had a crush on Carlos since the first saw him, and he fell in love the moment they first interacted. The obsession? It came later. It was from a fear that he could never have Carlos like this, or like anything really, he was afraid they wouldn't become friends because of their diversities. But now when he has Carlos he cannot stop thinking that he just became more obsessed with his love, because he has the man he always loved in his arms and he needs to know just how much he really is loved. He couldn't care less about the love he will receive because in the end he always wanted to give his love to Carlos and now he has the man to shower with love.
- Are you already bored? You just went somewhere, weren't reciprocating at all. - asks Carlos with a frown and a pout is forming on his lips, and that is no good. He needs more than just tell Carlos he loves him, he needs to make him feel it. Always. Needs to make Carlos dependent for his touch, needs to ruin everyone else for him or him for everyone else.
- Never. I will never get bored with you. Never get done with you. - says Oscar while simultaneously caressing the mans waist down to his ass and back while looking in the olders' eyes. He feels privileged to have those big brown eyes on him, needs Carlos to know how much his attention means to him. He needs to know that not everyone deserves the attention he is willing to give. Truthfully he wants it all to himself.
- And you will never need someone else? - asked Carlos while kissing Oscars' neck, leaving wet marks and red dots, that will soon turn into hickeys. Carlos marking him makes him ecstatic. He will soon leave his own marks on the olders' skin, like he always wanted, but for now he likes having Carlos lavishing him with kisses. Even when it's impossible tight in his pants.
- I am only yours, always was, always will be. I promise. - he thinks Carlos is being a little stupid right now, because what else could he want if he has all he ever wanted in his arms. Like someone else could even come near this man or be compared to him. So no, he will never need anyone else for tonight and for as long as they'll live, because he can finally call him his. And he is not letting Carlos go.
These are just words, but Carlos already feels more loved than ever, so he believes them. Oscar could never lie to him, that he knows. He finally can say that he is not only looked at, but seen. So he is not letting go of Oscar either.
(i also should be writing my thesis rn and not this😩)
"If he can move on, so can you." told himself Oscar. Many times. Every time he sees Carlos actually. And the truth is he tries, he really tries and he wants this, he even needs this. But he can't. The feelings inside him are all over the place. One moment he hates the guy with all his might, the next he is pitying himself and before he could realise the thoughts are straying. Thinking back to that night. The touches and kisses and whispers and everything. And he still remembers the night in great detail. Every moment. Thinks about it when he closes his eyes for sleep, first thing in the morning, second thing in the morning, while brushing his teeth, getting ready, driving. Thinks about it almost every time. Except when he is racing. So that is what he does every free minute he has. It certainly doesn't help that Carlos races too. But at least he could blame him for the mistakes on track. Does not make things better, but at least helps a little with taking the steam off. And at the end of the day he tells himself again "He has moved on, your turn." He doesn't.
And it absolutely pisses him off how Carlos makes it seem like it isn't a big deal. And what Oscar knows it may have not been. It's Carlos that took Oscars's virginity not vice versa. The fact that Oscar has a crush on Carlos since the beginning of times also does not help his case. But to be fair who doesn't. He was still questioning his sexuality when he first saw Carlos in Torro Rosso, so he immediately decided he is bi, which morphed into gay in less than a year. And when we talk crush, we downplay it for the sake of Oscar. Because it is embarassing enough already as it is that the guy who took his virginity, when he was a reserve driver for Alpine and McLaren, acts like he don't exist, don't need to add to that the angsty love he feels. It's not like it's been 3 years since then (it's been). He can't move on. He can't find love in other place, because he still dreams of the one he cannot have.
So yeah, Oscars's life really. At least he could still call him out on the track.
"Mate, is Carlos blind or what."
"Typical Carlos. Nothing changed i see."
"He just turned into me like i didn't exist."
And it hurt so fucking much, because he did exist, and it hurts because he really really has a crush(notlove) on Carlos, who just doesn't acknowledge him. He doesn't feel better after all this pulling by pigtails he did with Carlos. He hurts so much he has seriously considered begging him to at least look at him some times the same as that night.
Today was another eventful day, as in race day, as in he again bickered on radio about Carlos. Actually it wasn't even something worth mentionig, he just did because he could. Carlos had a lock-up somewhere in the middle of the race and Oscar felt the need to push the radio button and say "What is wrong with this guy, can't he drive." The silence on the other side was telling enough, and if it wasn't the daggers Carlos sent him post-race were an absolute giveaway. Oh well, someone must have told him about it. Anyway, not a terrible race per se. P5 is nothing good, but he qualified poorly so he did his best. Carlos on the other hand just missed on a podium, so his mood was worse, it could be seen by the way he talked and how he just wanted to get out of there. Frankly, they all did.
It was already extremely late when Oscar left his driver room, he could not find strenght to go to the hotel. He waved to some mechanics who were still wrapping up some things and made his way towards his parking spot. It was greatly illuminated so he could see a figure leaning against his car. A familiar figure. Carlos' figure. He swallowed nervously as he aproaced his car.
- What is your problem? - asked the man, still leaning on Oscars's car, crossed arms, frown face and all gorgeousnes present. Oscar watched the mouth move, then hea heard the question, delayed. What do you even mean is my problem? You are my problem. You and your shitty attitude, and all the pretending Oscar doesn't exist, and your full lips and big brown eyes and nice hair. But he doesn't say that, he says...
- What? - because what. That question can mean anything, so lets not get ahead of things, maybe Carlos is not here to fight him. At least they are talking now. You could say it is an acknowledgement.
- What.is.your.problem? - accentuates the older one every word. Oscar felt a digit point in his chest at every word, even if Carlos' hands stayed crossed on his chest, and oh boy what arms are those. The face Oscar had on was probably one of confuse, because he heard a sigh, and that made him look back at the mans' face, where there was no frown anymore just an exasperated expression. - Oscar... - oh boy, it happened, he, after three years heard his first name from those lips, not Piastri, not that McLaren, but Oscar. He genuinely could not care less about what was Carlos about to say, at least they are on first name basis now. Well Oscar always was, he held into that one with a dead grip, it was the only thing he could have of Carlos. - Do you even hear me?
- What. Oh sorry, mate. I probably spaced out. You said something? - he could not hear a single word after his name. Phatetic, he knows that. So what, sue him if he is in love has a crush.
- Don't mate me. - ouch harsh, it's not like he said something bad, what could he have said instead. - I do not get you. One time you call me a bad driver and now i am your mate? Can you make up your mind already? Are we enemies or are we "mates". - well it's not really his place to decide, Carlos decided all on his own already, so why is he complaining.
- What does it matter what i call you? It's not like you even acknowledge my prensence. For your information, i am also a racer, not some staff member you never saw, who you could just pass and not even nod. - it sounded more hurt that he planned, but that doesn't matter, he is hurt after all.
- How is that my fault? - asks the man in front of him, now on a slightly higher tone.
- Want to tell me it's mine? The first two months that i was in the paddock as a rookie driver i smiled and nodded to everyone, i even tried to fist bump you two times, but you ignored it and walked away. So i don't think it is my fault, mate.
- Come on, Oscar, we both know it started before your rookie year, even if you like to pretend it did not happen. - and what, rewind that again, he likes to pretend it didn't happen? It being the sex or is Oscar reading it wrong.
- I like to pretend it didn't happen? - those were some news.
- Don't pretend to be a fool, we both know you are a smart boy. - THAT did not help Oscar concentrate, just made him horny. Damned praise kink.
- No i am not. Pretending i mean. I literally don't know what you are talking about.
- The night we had sex? - the man said it with a raised eyebrow and oh fuck Oscar is starting to blush. He may not be still a virgin, but he still blushes like one.
- No, that i know. What do you mean I am the one to pretend like it didn't happen? I just told you that the next time we saw each other, you didn't even nod back, just completely ignored me.
- Because these are your words?
- My words? - could only repeat Oscar.
- Yeah, that night you told me, and i quote "please, pretend it never happened". - What, because what. He does not remember that, and he remembers everything from that night. The "Hi, i am Carlos. Hi i know. I mean i am Oscar. Nice to meet you." The whole converstation at the party. The drive to the hotel. The "i am a virgin". The "we can stop if you want". The ferm "no". All the prep work, the prelude, the sex, and the aftercare. Okay that one is a little bit rusty in his memory, but can you blame him, he just had the most amazing orgasm in his life, he spaced out a little. And then he remember waking up to an empty hotel room, no Carlos, no note, no nothing. So no he does not remember these words.
- I didn't! I never could. - he hates how his voice cracked up and betrayed him like that, but it was true, Carlos was his first love crush and only, because he could not fall in love with someone else, if he have not falled out of love.
- Oscar, i am not lying to you. - the mans' voice softened up a little, like he was about to hug him, even if that was not posibble, right? - I promise i am not lying, i remember that night very well. I was wiping you up with a wet cloth and you told me to pretend it didn't happen. I asked you again, because i thought i heard you wrong just for you to repeat the same and add that it is embarassing. - No, no, no it cannot be right, he must be lying because, he remebers Carlos wiping him because he refused to move and get a full bath, and there were no such words OHFUCK there were. But not how Carlos interpreted them. - Yeah, i see it on your face you remebered now, so if you could from now on refrain from trashtalking so much i would be delighted.
- No, wait. - Oscar stopped him by the forearm, when Carlos was about to leave. - Please, it's not like that, i mean i didn't mean it like that. I could never be embarassed by having sex with you. I mean i was embarassed because you know first time and with the man i had a crush on since forever, so i hoped i wouldn't ruin something. But when you were umhh...when we finished i told you i was in love with you since i was fifteen, and so THAT was the thing i was embarassed, not by you. - So that was a misunderstanding, and they could have been talking all the time till now? Damn him. They even could've been friends by now.
- Oh. - It's not Carlos' place to say oh, it's Oscars' because he js the one who confesed his love since he was fifteen twice. As if it was not embarassing enough the first time. - So, you are not embarassed by me? - Oscar shook his head so violently it hurts. God, never. - And you don't feel the need to pretend like it never happened? - again, because he already said too much, he now only feels the need to keep his mouth shut. - And if i want to kiss you, i can? - he started to shook his head again, until the question was delivered to his head and that made him almost pop his eyes out of orbit.
- What.
- I said can i kis-
- That i heard i mean why? - he must've gotten deaf, because there is no way Carlos said that.
- Because i' ve been craving to do so since i first saw you in the paddock as a reserve driver and that night only amplified the want. You have no idea how much i want you. Even if you are a brat.
- No.
- I can't kiss you? I thought you said you were in love with me. - IAM.
- No, i mean i am, but no it can't be happening. - he could feel his eyes filling with water as he heard the words he imagined every night for years. But he was a big boy so he would not cry. Now.
- Me liking you? - asked the man confused.
- That. - his head was spining, he was on a roller coaster, better yet, he was dreaming, he must have fallen asleep in his driver room, because that cannot be happening. Even if he imagined that in great detail. So what. He has a great fantasy
- But i do. - he feels strong arms steading him, rubbing a little up and down on his own arms, huh he didn't feel the cold night air till now. - Why do you think i aproached you at that party? I saw you and remembered seeing you in the paddock and thinking you are cute, so i decided it was nice to speak to you, at least after it was announced you would drive for McLaren. I especially liked the statement you posted. And when speaking i saw your bunny teeth and rosy cheecks and i absolutely adored it. I feel like it was a mistake going to the hotel first and not a first date, but what's done can't be undone. So now, when we established that i like you and you like me, can we go on a date?
- To a hotel? - he could't pass the opportunity to make fun of Carlos, even when he just confessed to him. And frankly he got what he always wanted.
- I take back everything i said, except when i called you a brat, go on a date alone. - the man started walking towards his car, when Oscar embraced him from behind.
- I am sorry, i just love teasing you. But yes we can go on a date and you can kiss me, see if it makes me shut up.
- Lucky me i like doing that, but i also like you loud.
There was a long way ahead of them in their relationship. Whatever that is. But they already wasted two years, they are not gonna waste any more.