Jiraikei - Blog Posts

❝ Suicide hotline , police you better call 'em . . . ❞

guysss why am i going thru dating servers like i have the mental capacity to be romantically interested in anyone T_T ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

anyways , here's some drawings i did last night !! was too tired to post em :P drawing myself w dog ears and a tail literally cures my depression trust ૮ ∩´ ᵕ `∩ ྀིა ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

❝ . . . Only thirteen smoking hella marijuana ! ❞

❝ why do i cry ? when i have my coffee . . . ❞

ughh , why am i getting jealous over random ppl on the internet ? they're ALLOWED to have friends , they're allowed to like other ppl — why am i so selfish ? it's so tiring seeing other ppl be close w each other . . . why can't i have that ? ik im not the easiet to love or be close w , but i try . ppl know i try , right ? ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

ugh , it's not like i'd be able to get close w anyone . i can never seem to open up — or even try rlly . the urge to cvt has been so strong lately and i have no idea what to do abt it . i can't go to my step dad anymore — im 15 , i should be able to handle this on my own . ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

fuck , i miss cvtting on my arms . i miss my friends , i miss having a purpose . ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

what's the point anymore ? ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

❝ . . . after you disappeared , it seems like almost a year . . ❞

Paws at u

hiii… ໒꒰ྀི◜ඏ◝꒱ྀི𑇖

paws back at u . . . haiiiiii ૮˶ᵔ ᗜ ᵔ˶ ྀིა ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

❝ it's true , i know . . . ❞

todays been so rough for no reason , and the worse part is that ik it's my fault that i feel like this . i never reach out , i never go out , i js ruin myself and then complain abt ruining myself . ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

idk , mayb i'll txt my friend and see if she wants to hang out this week . am i allowed to call her my best friend ? idk , we have before , but i rlly don't tell her shit when it comes to my mental stability — so does that mean i'm lying to her ?? i dunno , i told her a couple weeks ago that my " depression is actually doing its job " and this js responded w an " oh 😧 " sooooo ig she js doesn't care abt that sort of stuff . i try not to tell her cus ik she doesn't know how to handle those situations , but i can't keep telling my step dad my issues forever . . . ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

mayb i should actually keep my stuff to myself for once , like i said was going to ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

i've been wanting to cut so much more lately . . . how bad have i gotten . . ? ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

❝ . . . just how you feel . ❞

❝ this feeling i'm being watched . . . ❞

bro i js had the most draining dream wth . technically it wasn't even that serious , but in my dream i had talked to my older sister abt how her and my younger sister leave me out cus she wouldn't stop talking abt how my younger sister would tell her ANYTHING . and even tho ik everything that happened in the dream was fake , it still felt so real and now im exhausted even tho i js woke up . ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

fuck , i wasn't even supposed to sleep till around 6 since i have babysitting tonight and i gotta make sure i stay up . why am i such a failure ? i had one job and im already ass at it !! i can't do anything right !!! i can't even talk to my fucking friends anymore cus i js get so tired and nervous thinking abt it — talking to ppl shouldn't be this draining , should it ? why r my dreams never safe ? why can't i js escape once and a while ? ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

the next time i cut and don't make it to beans , im kms !! ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

❝ . . . why , why can't it just stop ? ❞

❝ can you tell . . . ❞

uhhh guys i think i suck i games . . . i think i failed and got " normie life " ending or smth ?? i think its cus her mental darkness hit 0 but i thought that was a good thing ??? ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

❝ . . . can you tell i love you , from the look in my eyes ? ❞

❝ finders keepers . . . ❞

GUESS WHOS FiNALLY USiNG HER COMPUTER !!!! i got this one game called " mushroom oasis " on itch.io and it's literally so good ??? its a demo apparently but i rlly like how the story is going so far !! only problem is i dont rlly like how it seems to describe mycheal as a tall kinda built guy , but art wise he looks like a twink T_T that may js be me tho !!! be sure to check warnings if u play it tho — nothing crazy has rlly happened so far , but im pretty sure he's a yandere . . . /ᐠっ˕ -マ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

since im not leaving my house like i thought i was , im probably gonna start up nso tonight !! if this game is ass ima cry (ᯣ_ᯣ) ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

RAAHHHHH HES SO CUTEEEE !!!! ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

❝ . . . losers weepers ! ❞

go in public view, preferably with lots of people. act like youre going to kys/threaten sui. let people do the work of stopping you. do all the normal stuff like crying. call the police and say that youre afraid you will kys. then boom psych ward

yk , that sounds like a good idea in THEORY , but i can't do that if my family can't afford to KEEP me in T_T the er would keep me for either a day or 2 { which would already be high in price } and then tell me they can't take me cus ive already been :/ { which is js a lame excuse cus my insurance won't cover it again } ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

genuinely the last time i told my therapist i was gonna kms she sent me to the er and they said they " avoid re entering patients " even tho i only stayed for a WEEK . so , unless i stop being poor , i ain't going anywhere ԅ(¯﹃¯ԅ)୧ ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

hello fellow jirai!! aa! i lov ur blog sm! ur pretty cool and the mk + pink layout is so cuteee!! have a lovely day!! >0<

OH EM GEEE THANK U !?!? mk is literally the cutest patootie eva , i couldn't NOT make him apart of my page ૮˶ᵔ ᗜ ᵔ˶ ྀིა anywayyssss u BETTER have an amazing day , or else ૮ ⸝⸝ -᷅ ·̭ -᷄ ྀིა / silly ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

❝ this might be our final gig . . . ❞

if u saw the other post NO U DiDNT !!!! anyways literally why is my only motivation to shower is so i can cut after ??? i've been fightinggggg w myself so i don't cut my arms cus i wear short sleeves too often , BUT i MiSS iT SMMM !!! its soo easy to go deep and it makes my arms look skinner somehow ?? idk , ive never had to multi swipe to get to beans rlly anywhere on my body , but mayb that's js me :/ ughh wtv , at least my hair is clean — dirty curly hair is the worst and feels so nastyyy 𖦹´ ᯅ ` 𖦹 ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

also needy streamer overload won the poll !! luckily im getting paid sometime this week so i can buy the 2 other games later :P ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

❝ . . . but we're recording gold now ! ❞

❝ some things , i think are better left unseen . . . ❞

GUYSSS PLS GiVE ME ANiME / MANGA RECS !!!! i need smth psychological horror or along those lines — as long as it isn't straight romance based or heavy fantasy i'll try it plsplsplsssss ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

❝ . . . is this the truth , or is it just me ? ❞

❝ too bad you can not erase me . . . ❞

bro i am THiS CLOSE to joining some shitty dating server in hopes someone 2 old for me will swoop me off my feet and encourage me to cut or smth ! ik i shouldn't be in a real relationship rn , but this is different . it's comfortable — smth i recognize and understand better than anything real . at least ill know when they're manipulating me :/ as long as they dont want nvd3s or some shit i'd be so open to it ꒰ .·´ ˆ·' ꒱ ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

i js want someone to help me get worse ; is that too much to ask for ? ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

lowk if any of yall wanna be that hmu ??? mayb ??? ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

❝ . . . that , in fact , is why you hate me ! ❞

❝ you can be somebody new . . . ❞

drawing to cope w my boredom and lowk loneliness !! idk for some reason today i've done nothing but im exhausted ?? it's barely 12 and im already yawning . . . i was gonna cut tonight but im probably gonna go to sleep tbhhh ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

all of these r of mk , i love that silly little guy ଘ(⸝⸝◞ ̫ ◟) ♡ the last 2 r some old art i found !!! if u know them ill kiss u RNNN ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

WARNiNG FOR DRAWiNGS OF SH !!! ik im on jiraiblr so most of yall dont care , but still ૮ •̀ o •́ ྀིა ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

❝ . . . call out to me , i wanna hear you say it . ❞

❝ i have this urge , i have this urge to kill . . . ❞

GUYS i HAVE MONEYYYYYY !!! i wanna get a game but idk which so here's a poll for yall to figure it out for me !! ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

❝ . . . i have this urge to kill to show that im alive . ❞

❝ they say my hunger's a problem . . . ❞

UUGUFHFHFGHFT i MiSS THE PSYCH WARD PLS BRiNG ME BACK PLSPLSOLSOLS !!!! i MiSS iT SMM i MiSS PPL ACKNOWLEDGiNG THAT iM OUT MY FUCKiNG MiNDDD !!!! i MiSS THE NURSE i MiSS MY FRiENDS i MiSS iT PLS BRiNG ME BACK !!!!! ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

im sososososooo tempted to js od rn js so they have to take me in . what if i took a whole bottle of ibuprofen ?? drank down some of the vodka in the kitchen js to add a little flavor ?? i dont wanna be coherent , i wanna be out of my minddddd i fucking hate this feeling in my chest plsplspls someone take it outttttttt ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

living is so pointless !!!! sosososo stupid !!! i'm not even upset rn !! i'm so excited to go back cus ppl like me CANT live w people !! i needdddd to be locked up rahhhhh !!!! ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

❝ . . . they tell me to curb my appetite . ❞

❝ let's make this easy , soon you'll haunt these beasts you hated . . . ❞

ok ik this is super odd and i probably definitely shouldn't be saying this on the internet — but am i the only one that sometimes thinks abt being kidnapped . . ? not by like , a mvrd3r or anything , but mayb by a yandere ? ૮ o . o ; ྀིྀა idk , but the idea of someone forcing me to stay lowk sounds comforting . like , i can't run away or anything , so mayb after a while i could actually feel love from someone else unconditionally . they'd help me cut or cut w me , they'd set a eating schedule up for me and force me to stick to it . i wouldn't have to talk to anyone else or worry if im being annoying . . . 𐔌ྀ. ٜ .݂♡ഒ it js sounds nice ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

i basically could have wtv i wanted as long as i stayed w them — i mean , what would i leave for ? ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

❝ . . . no need for sleep tonight , sweet dreams are overrated . ❞

❝ some dream r simply meant to die . . . ❞

WARNiNG FOR THE MONKiE KiD SPOiLERS !!!!! HEAVY HEAVY SPOiLS HAPPENiNG RN !!!!!

OMGOMGOMGOMGONG i LOVE MONKiE KiD SMMM iM GONNA FUCKiNG EXPLODEEEEEE !!!!!! ME AND MY STEPDAD JS WATCHED ALMOST ALL OF SEASON 4 AND iM SOSOSOSOSO EXCiTED FOR MK TO BECOME HiS MONKEY SELF !!!! ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

season 4 REALLLYYYY explains why he is is the way he is , being stupid and all . he says w sun wukong that he acts stupid to lighten the mood , but would that stop him from doing that to himself ? he's knows that there's smth different abt him and he's know since he picked up the staff , he js didn't want to admit it . bc if he did , how would his life ever stay the same ?? how could he admit that he was only brought to earth to basically reset the world ? ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

so , he pushed it down . ignored all the signs , held himself back from what he truly was , and in the process only egging it on more . he leaves his friends thinking he's hurting them , he doesn't tell anyone anything unless absolutely needed , he acts on impulse CONSTANTLY and js hopes it'll be right in the end . and guess who also does that ? sun wukong . in an attempt to become a hero he only hurts ppl and brings chaos to the world , js like he was meant to . after all , destiny only leads to pain . ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

i will DEFiNiTELY be screaming abt this for the next couple of hrs , i love this show sm WTHHHHH !!!!! ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

❝ . . . what happens if they get revived ? ❞

❝ well , i walked into ur dagger for the last time . . . ❞

seeing irl th1nsp0 is so humbling . . . UR LiKE 9 WHY R U SO SKiNNY ૮ ˃𓈒꒧ ˂ ა i feel so bad and im trying not to stare but im so jealous ughhhhh . anyways at least i went outside , been held up in my room for too long (- ‸ - " ) plus the fits cute !! sooo it's worth it ig ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

idk im completely alright w getting worse , but getting back into my ed is smth i HEAViLY avoid . i always get into the euphoric - like episodes and always end up wanting to kms in the end sooooo yea no ! ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

❝ . . . it's like tryna start a fire w matches in the snow . ❞

❝ i know infinity , she howls of the past . . . ❞

not me posting some of my art . . . guys its good i promiseeeee noooo ૮ ㅇㅁㅇ; ྀིა if ur wondering why the artstyle is so inconsistent . . . so am i { ALL OF THESE R MiNE I SWEAR ! ! } ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

ive struggling w drawing recently cus of my mental health , but im hoping i can at least fill a page today and stop js looking at art </3 ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

{ also , if u know what song these lyrics r to i love u ⸜(*ˊᗜˋ*)⸝ i rlly wanna make an oc based on that part of the song — i have sooo many ideas pls ask abt them plsplspls } ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

keep in mind there is slight blood in one !! ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

❝ . . . as they gouge each other's eyes . ❞

❝ baby , if u wanna leave , come to california . . . ❞

am i staying up so i sleep later tmrw so i be left alone . . ? nope !! u r !!! ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

but seriously i NEEEDDD to go back to sleep depriving myself . i literally could go DAYS w js 3 hrs of sleep , most of the time less . i used to blame school for me not being able to anymore — but now that it's summer , i have no excuse !! at least i can sh w / o having scars for my family to look for . . ૮ o . o ; ྀིྀა mayb i should set up a schedule — and if i go off of it i gotta cut or js not sleep for a day ?? but id have to figure it out in a way that i wont sleep for 10 hrs randomly cus i WiLL end it all if i break any type of schedule i have 𖦹´ ᯅ ` 𖦹 ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

maybe sleep at 10 , wake up at 12 ?? idk , i'll figure it out ԅ(¯﹃¯ԅ)୧ can't wait till im sick like i used to be !! literally yearning for it tee bee atch , js trust ill probably be posting A LOT . . . ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

❝ . . . be a freak , like me too . ❞

❝ boy , u wanna come to my motel , honey . . ? ❞

cuttings hurting a lot more recently but ig that's the point ? i don't know if i feel any better , i js feel an energy in my chest that won't leave me alone . mayb i can cut it out if i go deep enough ?? ughhh i cant even hit beans anymore ꒰ ๑ˊᯅˋ๑ ꒱ ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

anyways i talked to my stepdad abt all of it , at least he's a bit understanding . i haven't told him abt me relapsing and i probably won't , but im literally sitting here w a rag pushed against my stomach and all my supplies under my blanket cus he won't leave my room T_T they burn so bad i need him to leave so i can at least clean them uppppp ⸝⸝ ‹𝟹

❝ . . . boy , u wanna hold me down and tell me that u love me ? ❞

⤷ ⸝⸝⠀intro — ꜝꜝ

⋆ 𐙚 ˚ byi . .

— ♡ i freely block so plsssplsspls dont be a freak </3

— ♡ i am 5teen !! pls dni if ur a 18+ acc , js block me or smth ⸜(*ˊᗜˋ*)⸝

— ♡ this is a digital diary / vent acc , so there will be triggering topics on my page :P pls keep this in mind when viewing { im talkin mentally ill type venting . . . }

— ♡ feel free to send asks !! spamming in gen is awesome imo so plspls do !!!

— ♡ tags ill use ~

venting =

ᛝ 𓈒 a𝓷𝓰𝓮𝓵𝓼 b𝓸𝓷𝓮𝓼 🦴 ♡︎ ﹕

yapping =

⿻ ⋆ ゛a𝓷𝓰𝓮𝓵𝓼 b𝓸𝔀 🎀 ◞◞ .ᐟ ⋆

moodboards / aesthetics =

◞◞ a𝓷𝓰𝓮𝓵𝓼 w𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 🪽 ⌇ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

filler =

⭑ 𓂃 ૮ ට ﻌ ට ა ⭑ .ᐟ

⋆ 𐙚 ˚ abt me . .

— ♡ hello !! u can call me angel and i use it / its prns { more names and prns below :P } ! im pangndr but do have some neogndrs - and i think im abroromantic / cupioromantic ?? still questioning all that — if i use she / her on myself btw that doesnt mean im comfortable w anyone else doing it !! dont be weird abt it plsss

— ♡ i am medically recognized w audhd and plan on getting a bpd + ptsd diagnosis in the future . diagnosed w clinical depression and anxiety while living my best life eva !! { someone send help ( ˃ ⩌˂) }

— ♡ asks r always open !! i dont rlly have a dni other than the basic , js dont be weird and we're good

— ♡ i wouldnt consider myself apart of any fandoms , i rlly js lurk and dont talk to anybody that likes the same stuff i do T_T if u see smth we both like , PLSSS TALK TO ME ABT ITT !!! i need an excuse to yap let me out of my enclosure plsplsplsplsl

⋆ 𐙚 ˚ likes . .

— ♡ hyprfix / special intrst ~ lego monkie kid , mortue / cutecore , psychology , music

— ♡ media ~ class of 09 , spec ops the line , lego monkie kid , illusion carnival , fnaf , dont starve together , detroit become human , pjsk , little nightmares , the walking dead games , life is strange , call of duty modern warfare { characters more than story / games tbh . . . } , dailtown , arcane , rottmnt , the quarry , until dawn , generation loss , ena , spiderman , moonknight , deadpool , cuphead , coryxkenshin , my little pony , ddlc , mouthwashing , tadc , and prob more !!!

— ♡ hobbies / interests ~ kemonomimi , drawing , writing { or at least trying to ... } , reading , researching stuff i like , decorating things , singing , crafts , theatre , acting , nature , hiking , traveling { i NEEDDD to do this more often T_T } , music , video essays , character analysis' , altfashion { special ones r trad/rom goth , hippie , 2000s + scene emo , baggy , lolita , and jojifuki !! not the freaky kind i swear } , jewelry , PSYCHOLOGY !!!! , cosplaying , meaningful convos , psychological horror { PLSSS REC ANY KIND OF PSYCH HORROR PLSPLSPLS } , canines , seraphim's or js angels in gen

— ♡ music ~ the crane wives , glass animals , korn , the living tombstone , jt music , bitter ruin , paris paloma , cosmo sheldrake , chonny jash , yaelokre , fiona apple , aidoneus , hako yamazaki , poppy , evanscence , flyleaf , STOMACH BOOK , will wood , sheena ringo , she wants revenge , bôa , きくおはな ( kikuohana) , lana del ray , beabadoobee , the cardigans , liana flores , laufey , mitski , solya , willow moore , cibo matto , msi { ik theyre awful , i dont support them obvi } , tyler, the creator , ghost and pals , riproducer , vocaloid { pls recommend artists . . . } , etc { i LOVEEEE MUSIC }

⋆ 𐙚 ˚ misc . .

— ♡ i project into all the characters i love , so dont be surprise if u see me talk abt a character being super mentally ill even tho they probably wouldnt actually be like that !! if u dont like js block :/

— ♡ i rlly wanna get into anime / manga but im super picky abt what i watch / read . if u know any in the genres of psychological horror , or js deals w mental health stuff , pls lmk !! { also where to watch it ?? }

— ♡ names i use ~ ditzy , cross , cecilia , gutz , purity

⤷ prns ~ my names , doll / dolls , bite / bites , rot / rots , pup / pups , grim / grims , holy / holys , heaven / heavens

uhm hi guys I'm back :3