Yap Yap Yap - Blog Posts

chishiya, arisu, and niragi - their effects on me as someone who experienced severe depression

chishiya’s little confession to arisu always fucking gets me. call me selfish little shit all you want but i relate to him, niragi, and arisu so much. that realization and my connection to these three led to the alteration of my brain chemistry that literally ended up saving me from committing suicide.

because he was actually so fucking real i don’t care what you guys say. i lived so much of my life depressed wondering what the fuck was wrong with me (being autistic and having emotionally abusive & neglectful parents did NOT help with this), and hearing him talk about being small-minded and jealous and being always afraid just hit home. i was so jealous of everyone around me who just hit every little thing in life like it was a home run because when you become depressed at 8 and it doesn’t go away for a LONG time you start to be so fucking pissed about people who celebrate their every move. i pitied it but in reality i was just jealous because they all had that little life in them, that HUMANITY that i never experienced.

niragis whole character hit home like crazy for me. because of my inability to fit in with others i was bullied a lot by my classmates and picked on for what felt like no reason at all. i was, of course, jealous (which i refused to admit) and it drove me insane. i started to become the person i never wanted to be because the hatred drove me so fucking crazy i started to think i either had something seriously wrong with me or they made something seriously wrong with me and either way i was going to revel in it because there would be no fixing for someone like me. niragi hit extremely hard for me during this time, call me psychopath or whatever the fuck but i seriously related so much. he was just like me and it was comforting because even though he was so terrible it made me feel less alone.

finally, ep 8 of s2 when it was flashing back to his father asking him what his purpose in life was with that DEPRESSING ASS SONG in the background while he sobbed saying he doesn’t deserve to live broke me. that was the last fucking straw. all my selfishness and jealousy and anger and HATRED for everyone else just crumbled down on me and i didn’t want to live anymore because i felt like a selfish waste of space. it hurt and it hurt BAD. it was like somebody just took a knife, stabbed me straight in the heart a twisted a full 360.

these were very relatable characters for me, and i know i seem like an asshole for it, i don’t care. thats what real mental illness and effects of neglect / bullying / discouragement / everything looks like. they genuinely make me sob every time i see them because they’re actually me i see them and suddenly im that same scared little boy again. to this day those fireworks are STILL my favorite thing in the world and they mean everything to me. that was the scene that convinced me not to do it.

So I got a haircut yesterday. Also my cousin did a meme of me when he saw it