Until Dawn Josh - Blog Posts

the washington's have the saddest endings and i do not appreciate it. beth sees her sister get humiliated, so she runs after her in the snowy mountains, falls off a cliff with her, and dies. hannah gets humiliated, so she runs out of the cabin, falls off a cliff with her sister and surprisingly doesn’t die. she then had to stay trapped in the mines with her dead sister's body, decided to bury her, but then EATS HER because it had been a month of her being stuck in there and chose not to starve to death. which leads to her turning into a wendigo. josh having lost his two sisters over a stupid prank brings everyone back to the mountain to have some type of closure, while going through withdrawals, and as a result is either killed by handigo or is taken by her to become a wendigo himself. and only in the remake, made TEN YEARS LATER, do they give josh the chance to actually survive like the others. not to mention that the parents will have now lost all of their children. the fact none of them get a happy ending makes me so angry. i need to lie down

i fear joshua washington did nothing wrong. if my sisters disappeared because not just my friends, but theirs too decided to pull a prank that humiliated one of them to the point of running out of the cabin and the other running after to console. i too would have lashed out. and to top it off, josh was highly medicated before they disappeared and then stopped taking his meds. COLD. TUEKRY. i'm surprised he didn't actually kill one of them

Live slug gaming

i sleep so i can see you (i hate to wait so long)

ੈ✩‧₊ chapter 3: sam likes girls?

view it on ao3 previous chapter

image credit: @bratjosh <3

pairing: josh washington x sam giddings, emily davis x sam giddings

synopsis: The first time Sam has a proper interaction with the twins' older brother, she's on the ground. When Sam is in the tenth grade, he's the reason she gets called to the principal's office. She's got her phone beside her pillow at full volume at all times and he's why. She realises that she'll be making excuses for him all her life. Josh and Sam in the years leading up to the prank. Or, all the boys people Samantha Giddings has ever had a crush on.

word count: 4.6k

a/n: hiiii guys !!!! sorry not a lot of jossam in this chapter; this is something for the samily girlies... i wanted to try something a little different and kind of build more on sam and her inner thoughts and feelings. but don't worry, LOTS more jossam to come in the next chapters :) :) we haven't even got to the good parts yet ! this one was loosely inspired by a headcanon written by @queenofbaws! she has sooo many cute jossam oneshots that i LOVE. thank you so much for all the support on this, i hope you all love reading it as much as i loved writing it <3

Sam figures that she likes shopping with Emily - it’s more fun than shopping with her mother, (who only takes her shopping once every six months when her clothes at home no longer fit her) that’s for sure. She was surprised that Emily had even asked her in the first place instead of Jess, who was usually her go-to whenever she felt like spending money; but Sam was glad to have a reason to finally use what she had saved up from her job at the animal shelter. 

She receives the phone call Friday afternoon after she gets home from swim practice. Sam rushes to her room to pick up her phone, because despite knowing her since middle school, she still can’t tell whether Emily likes her or not. When she answers, Sam pretends to be preoccupied and picks at her nails, even though Em can’t even see her. 

“We’re going out tomorrow,” she says. “I need to buy something for the dance and I don’t trust anybody else’s opinion.” 

Sam’s been talking to a guy for a while now - his name’s Elliot and he’s on the swim team and the track team like herself. While he’s sweet and patient and doesn’t mind that she’s rejected him more times than she can remember, there’s still something in her brain that tells her she shouldn’t be with him. When they had first started talking, he had asked her to go to the movies once after school. 

“I can't,” she said. “I need to visit a friend in the hospital.” 

What she likes about him is that he’s understanding and patient. He had asked her again the week after. 

“I can’t,” Sam said again. “I have swimming and track after school every other day.” 

He had joined the track team to see her more often, which she had rolled her eyes at. If it was Josh, she would’ve secretly thought it was endearing. There’s no reason why she should be thinking about Josh this much; she hasn’t spoken to him in ages. There’s no real reason why she shouldn’t reject Elliot anymore - she doubts Josh even thinks about her, and she figures she needs to get over him at some point.  So she had accepted Elliot’s invitation to the school dance in two months, and she realises that she wouldn’t mind going dress shopping. 

It makes her glad to know that Em thinks so highly of her, that she actually cares what Sam thinks. She’s also excited to feel like a normal teenage girl - something she always forgets to do amongst all her duties. It’s been back and forth from her mother and father’s houses every few days and she hasn’t had time for herself since god knows when. 

“Do you like this?” Em runs her hand down the train of a navy blue dress and cranes her neck in the mirror. Sam’s conscious of the fact that Emily is significantly cooler than her, with her glossy black hair and her perfect manicure. And it’s obvious, from how natural she looks in the dress. 

“It’s gorgeous ,” Sam gushes, eyeing the glittering beads. She takes a look at the tag - $2,000 - that’s worth more than probably all of the clothes in her closet.

“No. It’s disgusting,” she resolves, and crosses her arms over her chest. 

“What? Em, it looks beautiful!” 

“Not the dress. It’s me.” Emily rolls her eyes and begins undoing the back. “I need to be perfect .” 

Sam can’t believe that she doesn’t consider herself perfect . When she thinks of her, perfect is all she can see. Sam’s seen the tests that litter her desk - Emily’s a genius - she doesn’t think that her GPA has dropped below a 4.0 ever since high school started. And she’s drop dead gorgeous too (and it wasn’t a matter of personal opinion either, because all the guys in their grade seemed to think so as well). 

Emily unloops the dress from her shoes and stuffs it into the hands of the store attendant. She’s only in her bra with the curtain open, but she seems so confident in her body that she doesn’t even care that there are other people around them. Sam blushes and her head reflexively turns away like it’s being pulled to the side by a string. 

“Wait,” Em calls to the store attendant, who’s half running back to her the moment she hears the younger girl’s voice. Emily’s looking Sam up and down with a hand on her hip, and her insecurities suddenly feel glaringly obvious. “This might look good on you , though.” 

Sam instantly wraps her arms around her body. “No, today is for you !” But Emily doesn’t listen, and she’s pushing her into the change room, and stuffing the dress into her arms. 

“Turn around,” Em says, and her cold hands on her back makes a shiver run up her spine. When she laces up the back of the dress up for her, the tips of her nails graze her bare skin and it makes Sam’s hairs stand on end. Emily stands close beside her, their faces next to each other so that they can both have a look in the mirror. Sam can feel the warmth of her cheek on hers, despite them not physically touching. 

“You’re really pretty, you know,” Emily says, running a hand through her hair. 

A memory of Josh pops up in her head against her will - the two of them on the porch at Mike’s birthday last year. “ You’re like, the most amazing girl I know, ” he says, and she feels like her heart has expanded the size of an elephant. She can feel her cheeks burn red and she can’t tell whether it’s because of Emily or the memory. 

It’s crazy, but she thinks that she actually agrees with Em, because the blue looks nice on her skin and it makes her realise that maybe she actually is pretty. Sam doesn’t recognise the girl staring back at her, but she’s convinced it’s not the same one who’s grown man shoulders from four days of swim practice a week. 

“Are you joking?” 

Emily looks at her like she’s got another eye growing in the middle of her forehead. “Don’t lie to me right now bitch, you know you’re pretty.” She’s standing close to her now, her face right up beside her so they’re both looking at her in the mirror. She can feel the warmth of her cheek burning against hers. With one of her hands, she pulls Sam’s hair into a low ponytail, and with the other she pulls two strands out. 

“Do your hair like this, okay?” She uses her finger to tilt Sam’s head to the side so they can look at the hair with the dress. Her hands graze the back of her neck and goosebumps run up her arms. When she spends time with Emily, Sam’s always self-conscious of being perceived. It’s much like the way she feels when she has a crush. “And wear drop earrings. You’ll look hot. ” 

That’s how she feels when she spends time with Emily – she feels hot , and cool , and everything that a teenage girl is meant to be. She’s turning sixteen soon, but in her head she’s still an awkward twelve year old - although she can’t be that awkward if she’s here with Em. 

Sam feels her phone buzz and there’s two texts: one from Hannah - hows the dress hunt going? and another from Elliot - What you doing today Sam? 

She snaps a quick pic and texts it back to her: Would love to get this dress if it wasn’t like a billion dollars :( She ignores the other. 

Emily sees her take a photo and she pulls out her phone. “Hold on, I need one of us too.”  

That night when she gets home, there’s a photo of her biting her tongue into a smirk while Em kisses her on the cheek posted on @emdavisxo. It’s amassed 200 likes and it hasn’t even been an hour yet. It makes her blush when she notices that Em’s chosen that one. It’s funny - she has to pinch herself when she thinks about the fact that she went out with Emily today. Their relationship is immortalised on her Instagram account, and it makes her feel like she’s special to Em - she doesn’t even have an Instagram post up of her and Jess. She thinks, maybe it wouldn’t be bad if she liked girls - maybe it wouldn’t be bad if she liked Em . But before that thought materialises, she scrolls through the likes to check whether there’s one from @joshwashington.

Since their shopping trip, Sam sees Emily more times in a week than she has ever seen her since middle school started. Em texts her during classes that they don’t share and sits with her in the classes that they do share, doodling pictures on Sam’s notes and swapping jackets (because they’re the exact same size!). After school, they hang around the mall and sip smoothies and Sam tells her about her parents’ messy marriage and Emily tells her about her love/hate relationship with her mother (she loves to hate her). It feels different, intimate and tender, not like her other friendships with girls. 

“Since when were you and Em so close?” Hannah asks, and she doesn’t know what to say. Jess is in the same boat, because she’s blowing up Emily’s phone every day, trying to figure out why she feels like she’s intruding whenever she hangs out with Sam and Em in a group. 

She’s eager to please, responding to each of Em’s texts immediately and never missing a FaceTime from her. She’s scared for the moment that her friendship (relationship?) will inevitably fall apart when one of them gets a boyfriend. But in the meantime, they share beds like children and swap clothes and Emily sends her i love you ! at the end of every night and she’s not sure if she means love or love . 

It seems all her thoughts are consumed with Em, because she’s beginning to send Elliot one word responses and it almost doesn’t hurt when she sees Josh walking around with a girl at school.

During spring break Em takes her on rides in her Lexus and they play loud music and pretend that they’re famous, honking at boys on the side of the road and sticking their tongues out when they call back to them. They shop down Rodeo, and despite being able to buy out a whole store with her dad’s credit card, she stuffs clothes in her bag and flirts with security guards to get away. It’s exhilarating being friends with her, like a drug with an endless high. Friends - maybe more. She doesn’t know. She’s never loved a girl before, but this is coming close to it. 

Sam doesn’t tell anyone that it’s her sixteenth birthday, but the twins know anyway. Hannah and Beth invite her for a sleepover, pretending like they have no idea, but surprise her with balloons and streamers strewn around the living room. They’re not doing much, just a girls night at the Washingtons’, but Sam’s heart still swells at the gesture. Emily and Jess make her a chocolate cake in the shape of a heart and We Love You Sam in bright red frosting, and they eat it together on the living room floor with plastic spoons. Something about the fact that Emily wrote her the words We Love You is flattering. She can’t tell whether she loves Emily too , or it’s just the fact that she’s so in awe of her that she doesn’t seem real. 

It’s the end of spring break, and Josh is nowhere to be seen. She didn’t expect him to come - obviously - it’s not a big party or anything anyway, just the girls sitting around and watching movies. Josh has an on-and-off girlfriend now – “I think they’ve been together the entire spring break,” Hannah says – a pretty girl named Liz who he’s always on the phone arguing with. He’s been with lots of girls, she’s sure, so Sam doesn’t know why this bristles her so much. 

They exchange texts every now and again; though not enough to constitute conversation - sometimes he sends her trailers to new horror movies he thinks they should see, and she sends him silly Instagram posts she imagines him chuckling at. Sam notices that whenever she texts him first, it’s with bated breath, only finding herself exhaling when he responds. It was nothing, though, she assured herself. Conversations between friends, if anything. When the conversations thin out to maybe a couple texts every few weeks, she realises it’s probably best to let it go. 

These days, she prefers to ignore him rather than get her heart riled up. They haven’t spoken in person lately. She can’t speak to him, not able to return his witty banter like she once used to. Sam can’t tell what’s between them, what’s wrong with them, why she hasn’t been able to talk to him properly since she got suspended last year for claiming his cigarettes were her’s. Sometimes when she feels her affections growing stronger for him, she piles over the feelings with overexertion. She’s been bouldering to take off the stress. 

The other day during her track meet, she saw him sitting on the bleachers and smoking a cigarette. His girlfriend, presumably, was next to him, arms crossed over her chest, each finger decorated with dark red nails. She’s so cool, in an effortless way, with a sheet of long dark hair down her back, so long that she could sit on it, and a cigarette in her own hand too. Josh is different now - he’s elusive and aloof and every time she sees him it’s like he’s on a completely different planet. Sam immediately runs a self-conscious down her shirt to smooth it out - she was comparably not cool, in her track team t-shirt and baggy shorts. He raised a hand to wave at her. Sam kept running. 

They’d run into each other at the Washington house last week - she was on her way out while he had just arrived home. 

“Sam-my!” he calls, raising a hand to high five her. He seems reinvigorated from the last time she saw him; his eyes are brighter and he’s got a wide smile plastered on his face. “I haven’t seen you in ages.” 

She doesn’t know why, but she ducks under his hand, mentioning something under her breath about needing to wake up early for track tomorrow. 

On the other hand, she can’t tell whether randomly thinking about a girl all the time means you have a crush on them. But she finds herself thinking about Emily every now and then, wondering what she’s doing and whether she’s thinking about the late nights they spent during spring break together. Sam doesn’t think she knows how to separate platonic love from romantic love. Actually, she doesn’t even know if there’s a difference. But whenever Em passes her by in the hallways and blows her a kiss or squeezes her on the arm, or sends her a snap of her outfit of the day, it makes her heartbeat quicken. Attention from Emily is different- it makes you feel special and chosen , like you’re the coolest girl in the world . Nonetheless, whether crush or not, she's glad because it puts Josh out of her head for a while. 

Jess sneaks a bottle of her mother’s red wine in her handbag, so they drink themselves to giggles - sans Sam, of course, who only has a couple, making sure they’re all being safe and tucking them into bed at the end of the night. By one in the morning, all the girls are tangled in each other in front of the TV, Jess and Emily sharing the couch and the twins and Sam on the pull-out mattress. Emily’s on her phone while Jess and the twins are fast asleep. Sam clears out the empty pizza boxes and glass bottles and makes her way to the kitchen, being sure to sweep the crumbs off the floor before she gets to bed. 

She’s cleaning up the kitchen counter and Emily drops a big black Saks bag in front of her. “I didn’t get to give you your birthday present.” 

Sam laughs. “Aw, Em, you shouldn’t have.” 

She sifts through the tissue paper and then, in protective plastic, she sees it- the navy blue satin of the dress she tried on. It's like there are magnets behind her lips, sticking her hands to her mouth. It’s the most expensive gift she’s ever received - and probably the most beautiful one too. Sam has to run her hands over the fabric once more to confirm to herself that it’s real. 

A twinge of guilt echoes through her stomach. She’s not like the other girls in the Hills, in the sense that she can’t so simply drop two thousand dollars on a dress for a friend’s birthday. She’s not like the other girls who can just get their father’s driver to pick her up from school instead of having to walk to the bus stop. It’s times like these that she feels so alien to the twins, Emily and Jess. “Emily. I can’t take this.” 

“It was nothing. It’s your birthday .” Em picks at her nails and shrugs. Sam’s suddenly aware of how the Tiffany bracelet that hangs off her wrist glints in the light. Sam doesn’t say anything. 

“ God, Sam. It’s a token for how much I care about you, or whatever, okay?” 

It’s something about this sentence that makes hot tears well up in her eyes. Sam reflexively wraps her arms around Emily’s shoulders and squeezes her tight. “You’re crazy . Thank you Em, seriously.” 

Emily only pushes her off softly and laughs. “Don’t be dramatic.” 

Sam sits up on the barstool beside her and crosses one leg over the other. Em’s phone is lying face down on the counter, but it buzzes every few seconds so that the vibrations are like a steady drum. She looks annoyed, and puts her phone on silent before stuffing it into her pocket. 

“Okay, miss popular,” Sam jokes, kicking her foot lightly. 

Em rolls her eyes. “ Ugh . Please. High school boys are losers.” 

“So you’re going to the dance alone, then?” Sam figures she would much rather spend time dancing with Emily all night than standing around in awkward silence with Elliot. 

“I don’t know, that Mike guy from French is kinda cute.” She pulls out her phone and opens up his account. There’s not much, just a mirror selfie of him shirtless and a picture with some friends by the pool. Sam doesn’t know what everyone sees in him - Em could do so much better. “He’s such a whore though. Anyways, what about your boy toy?”

Sam shuffles in her seat and pulls her legs up close to her so that she’s hugging her knees. “If I tell you, will you promise not to judge me?” 

“Bitch. Have you met me?”

She hesitates, for a bit. 

“ Sam ! Come on, you have to tell me now.” 

Sam takes a deep breath. She’s still a little woozy from the alcohol, but whatever’s left of it in her system gives her the courage to say things that she would never usually admit. “I don’t even think I like Elliot that much.” 

“Oh my god, you tease ,” Emily slaps her jokingly. “Okay, so who were you talking about when we played Never Have I Ever?”

Earlier that night, her only finger down in Never Have I Ever was for Hannah’s question - never have I ever loved a guy before. Typical Hannah, the hopeless romantic. Sam didn’t mean to, but her finger went down reflexively. She still loved Josh, despite every moment they spent not talking – the feelings were still there, no matter how hard she tried to separate herself from them. Jess and Em started teasing her about Elliot, but the twins, all the wiser, raised their eyebrows at her.

Hannah corners her in her bedroom that night, when she’s grabbing her stuff. “Tell me you don’t love my brother.” 

Sam stops what she’s doing and looks at her, mouth agape. She’s come to realise that she’s never had this conversation with her before. “ Well- -” 

“There is no chance the guy you love is Elliot, you don’t even know his favourite colour!” 

She’s worried that Hannah would be annoyed, but she’s looking at Sam with the biggest smile on her face.

“ Han !” Sam groans, and covers her face with her pillow. “It’s not like that. Not anymore. It was like, ages ago. He has a girlfriend now anyway.” 

Hannah rolls her eyes and smacks her on the head with a pillow. “He only got a girlfriend because he was getting over you, dummy!” 

When she says that, Sam feels like her heart has frozen up and then been smashed to a million pieces. It feels like pins and needles have covered every surface of her body, crept up her spine and into her head. “He liked me?” 

Right now she’s not thinking about Emily, but thinking of him. 

“I thought you knew !” 

Sam stuffs her face in the pillow and groans. “Oh my god , I’m such an idiot.”

“Stop. For real? I knew it.” When she tells Em that it’s Josh, her hands fly to her face and she gasps. “You guys always act so weird whenever you hang out.” 

“And you know what’s even more insane?” Sam giggles and closes her eyes, tilting her head back. “I haven’t even kissed anyone yet.” 

“Sam! No way.” 

“Like I have no idea — how do you know your teeth aren’t gonna clash or anything?” She feels a little stupid, but it makes her happy to tell someone. Sam’s been pretending to Jess and Em that she kissed someone back at summer camp when she was fourteen for the last two years. 

Emily raises her eyebrows, and looks down at her lips, then back at her eyes. Of course, she’s probably thinking about how childish it is that she’s sixteen and never been kissed. Em’s probably kissed tons of guys, in the back of cars or in bedrooms at parties, things that Sam could never have the courage to do. Sam braces herself for the reaction - she’s always thinking about what Emily’s thinking, thinking about whether she’s judging her secretly or not. What she said next is the last thing that Sam expected. 

“Let me show you, okay?” 

Sam is at a loss for words. It’s like her heart beat has stopped and steadied to a slow, agonising pace that makes her feel like she’s submerged under water. She’s trying to formulate something, but Em quickly adds —

“But don’t get all lezzy up on me bitch.” The word makes her grimace. Her breathing is all that her brain can focus on. “I’m just showing you how it is.” 

She doesn’t want to confront whatever feelings might be there for Emily. It’s all muddled up in her head, and bringing another person into the equation would only make it worse. She can’t even make sense of her feelings for Josh or Elliot. But her pull is so strong that it makes her entire body feel like it’s on fire. 

“Okay, show me,” she says quietly.

It’s slow and soft and the world seems quiet, like it’s stopped to make time for this moment. They lock eyes before Emily leans in and drags Sam’s hair out of her face. Her lips are sweet with the taste of alcohol and lip gloss, and it’s like flowers have bloomed out of her heart and up her throat. When she pulls away it’s abrupt and Emily’s looking into her eyes like it was the funniest thing to have ever occurred. 

“Oh my god , Sam!” Emily’s giggling and tossing her hair back. “I can’t believe we just did that.” 

After Emily kisses her, there’s nothing else she can think about. It takes her everything not to grab her face and do it again. She’s not sure if she likes Emily or if she likes kissing, but she finds herself replaying the memory over and over in her head until it’s burned into her brain. 

She gets a phone call a couple of days later, it’s nine o’clock at night, and she’s getting ready to go to bed. Sam picks up the phone and sets it down on the table as she changes into her pyjamas. 

“Hey, Sam,” Emily’s voice crackles through the phone and she feels her heart quicken. 

“Hey Em,” she tried to appear nonchalant and occupied. “What’s up?” 

“I just wanted to say… I’m seeing Mike now.” 

It’s like the universe doesn’t want Sam to win. Like love isn’t in the cards for her, like it’s never been, not for girls like her who have to pick up the pieces of shattered hearts all around her and stick them back together.  

“Oh… Oh, okay. Wow, um- that’s great Em!” She tries her best to sound enthusiastic for her friend. Yes, her friend - that’s what she was. 

“No hard feelings, right Sam?” she says. “I just … Like, I don’t like girls like that. I just wanted to see what it was like… You get it, right?” 

It feels like somebody has shot her a million times. 

“Oh, um, yeah- No, totally, I was thinking the same thing.” 

“Yeah, we were so drunk the other night, right?”

Sam tries to bite back the sting of rejection. “Mm, yeah, soo drunk.” 

The sound of her fan hums in the background. It drags out the pause between their conversation even longer.

“Anyways, um. We’re still getting ready together at Hannah’s on Friday, right?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you there!” It takes all of her to infuse enthusiasm into her words so that Em can’t hear her voice cracking. 

“Okay, well… I’ll talk to you later.” Another long pause. “Love you, Sam.” 

She hangs up. 

How do you tell someone that you’re heartbroken, without there never being a relationship in the first place? She can’t confide in anyone – nobody knows about her and Emily except Emily, and she can’t bring herself to verbalise anything that happened. It’s like their time together was sacred, and bringing it to light will only destroy it. Sam needs Hannah. She FaceTimes her, and then calls her, and then calls her again and no answer. She wants the ground to swallow her whole, she wants the walls to close in on her and give her a hug and tell her it’s going to be alright. 

Her phone begins to buzz and she quickly picks it up, wiping the tears from her face with the back of her hand. “Han?” 

“Sam?” It’s not Hannah, but Josh. “Sorry, Han’s in the shower. I hope you don’t mind that I picked up, I just, uh, thought it was important because you called a few times.” 

He looks at her closely, and his face morphs into concern. “Oh shit, Sam?! Are you okay? Why are you crying?” 

She can’t say anything, just stuffs her face into her arm. “No, no, I’m fine. It’s fine. Just tell Hannah I need her.” 

“Fuck, Sam,” his eyebrows are furrowed, and he runs a hand through his hair. “I’m coming over there, okay?”  

That night, Josh picks her up and they sit in the theatre room at the Washington Estate, watching old horror movies all night. Hannah and Beth bracket her and the three of them share the one heated blanket and snacks, but they go up to bed after midnight. Josh doesn’t leave her side once, except to move into the empty space that Hannah had left when she goes up to her bedroom. She doesn’t want to talk, and he doesn’t ask questions, but the twins find them the next morning tangled in each other, Josh with an arm around her and Sam sleeping in his lap. It's like no matter how much the universe wants to separate them, they'll always find their way back to each other, like there's an invisible elastic tying them together, snapping back into place when it stretches too far. 

i sleep so i can see you (i hate to wait so long)

ੈ✩‧₊ chapter 2: sam likes a guy from her english class

view it on ao3previous chapter ○ next chapter

image credit: @bratjosh <3

pairing: josh washington x sam giddings

synopsis: The first time Sam has a proper interaction with the twins' older brother, she's on the ground. When Sam is in the tenth grade, he's the reason she gets called to the principal's office. She's got her phone beside her pillow at full volume at all times and he's why. She realises that she'll be making excuses for him all her life. Josh and Sam in the years leading up to the prank. Or, all the boys people Samantha Giddings has ever had a crush on.

word count: 4.6k

“Come on, Josh, it’s only one night,” Hannah urges, clutching at his arm. 

“No fucking way. I’ll be here, enjoying the comfort of The Hole, thanks.” He made a show of yawning and kicking one foot over the other like he could melt into his bed out of laziness. 

Josh had dubbed his room The Hole because of how much of his litter that it seemed to be able to consume since he had come home from the hospital. As it turns out, when you’re clinically insane, three weeks can very easily turn into three months. Old socks and pizza boxes had cluttered the floor and he was beginning to forget what colour his carpet was. It was exhausting, really, being this responsibility-free. He wasn’t allowed to drink or get high, had to adhere to a strict meal plan of a small handful of pills every few hours, and was prescribed an hour of outside time every morning. It was like being in prison, without the fun homoerotic parts. 

In his sixteen years of life, Josh figured that a good four of were spent in hospitals, therapy and waiting in line for prescriptions. He wouldn’t necessarily call himself crazy per se, but there was definitely a crazy quality to the way that he would frequently imagine his entire family dying gruesome, painful deaths. 

Hannah tries to pull him up but he doesn’t budge, instead concentrating all his energy in making himself as heavy as possible. 

She crosses her arms over her chest. “Is it because of Sam?”

If he had to be honest - yes, yes it was because of Sam. It was because they had spent their entire summer - hell, their entire childhood - before he left flirting and when he had finally thought things were getting somewhere, he had to get himself landed in the loony bin again. It was also because of her stupid new boyfriend, that absolute loser Elliot Coleman in Hannah’s English class - well - he wasn’t sure if he was her boyfriend, but he had seen them texting and there was no chance he wouldn’t snatch her up if he had the chance. 

He didn’t even realise he had a crush on her until two weeks ago - the first time they saw each other since he had gotten out of the psych ward - when Sam slept over. She was sweet, and tolerant of his mental state, which were two of his favourite qualities in girls. Though, it also helped that she had an insanely toned body from all those extreme sports she likes to do and a gorgeous twinkly smile. Of course, he had been with his fair share of girls - but none of them compared to Sam; no, - she was just a dream. An unattainable picture of what he could have if he was stable. Maybe he could’ve made a move at some point in the - what - seven? years that they had known each other. But in that time he had various other (greater) issues to attend to such as the tickling, persisting voices in his head reminding him that he needed to die. 

Since then, she had pervaded his every thought, coming to him in dreams and following wherever his mind wandered. Sam was her star - it had been that way for longer than he can remember.

Every day, Josh had two xanax (prescribed) and two percocets (for fun) before rotting on the couch for hours until his sisters came back from school. The house was empty, with Bob and Melinda being away in Spain for a work event, which left him mostly alone, to the ghosts of the Washington Estate. He was to stay home for the first week back from the psych ward to allow some time for himself to adjust, and most days he just played video games and slept for hours at a time. The first Friday he was back, his sisters had finished school early and came home with Sammy (to his drug-addled pleasure), who was happy to watch movies with him while his sisters took care of dinner. 

She’s so good, and he hates it. Sam baked him cupcakes and made him a card to celebrate his return home, with cute little drawings of them as animals. She’s fine to play Call of Duty with him all afternoon, bring him snacks and remind him to take his medicine, like a glorified three-year-old. And she cares, too, genuinely - she asks him if he’s going alright, and whether there’s anything she can do to help. He wonders if he really deserved this special treatment - or even worse - that it’s because she feels sorry for him, but no - it can’t be. This is just the type of person Samantha Giddings is. A person that’s way too good for him. 

He was weaving in and out of consciousness until he had woken in a sluggish dream in front of the television, watching a horror movie with Sam and the twins. 

If Josh knew anything in his current state (inebriated as hell), he knew that the girl beside him was gorgeous. She was only wearing pyjama pants and a tank top, but fuck, she’s glowing and he wasn’t sure if it was just the light from the TV. She looked different - he racked his brain trying to remember; was she always gorgeous or was it the fact that he was on so many medications that his brain went fuzzy? How did they end up on the pull out mattress together? He instantly reddened when he noticed that Hannah and Beth were asleep on the fold out couch behind them. They would never let him hear the end of it. 

When did Josh see Sam last? Last month, maybe, when she came to visit with the twins? He was irritated, despite it being his own fault - she had reached out plenty, but he hadn’t bothered to open any of her texts. 

Josh reaches over her lap for popcorn, suddenly aware of the way his arm brushed against hers. He shifted a little in his pants - how long had it been since they were together alone like this? She looked up from her phone and swatted him away, pulling the popcorn box closer to her. 

“Who you texting, Sammy?” He teased, inching closer towards her. She giggled and blocked his view with her shoulder so that it was pressed up against his arm. 

“None of your goddamn business.”

He reached for her phone and she jutted her arm forward, shouldering him hard with the other. Josh’s hand slowly creeps towards hers and before she can protest, he snatches it from Sam and holds it above her head, chuckling at the sight of her pawing at it. Every time that she grazed his arm with her fingertips trying to reach for her little old iPhone, it was like electricity was seeping from her skin. He had to admit, a pit in his stomach began to grow as he saw the name on her phone - all these years of being friends with Hannah and Beth and she had never once mentioned a guy. He wasn’t sure when it exactly started, but their relationship was of such an immensely flirtatious nature that he forgot that she actually didn’t belong to him. 

To be fair, he had been gone for a few months - who knows what could’ve happened in that time? Josh had only realised it now but every moment they spent apart from each other, a niggling itch spread through the back of his brain, reminding him that she could find somebody while he was in the hospital. What was it - some kind of jealousy? He was dizzy with greed, he wanted all of her time and dreaded the possibility of her forgetting him, forgetting the electricity between them - if there even was a them. She wasn’t his girlfriend, no- god, of course not. He was much too unstable for somebody like her. He wasn’t jealous. No; he just wanted the best for Sammy - his baby sisters’ best friend, the little girl with the pigtails from the fifth grade.

Elliot: Hahahah Sammy stop i cant with u

Josh clenched his jaw. Sammy. That was his nickname for her. Elliot’s a fucking loser - god, who even is he anyway? Elliot, Elliot, Elliot. That’s all he ever heard from Hannah on their nightly sibling FaceTime calls when he was at the hospital: Elliot is the hottest guy in the tenth grade, Elliot’s parents are suuuper rich (like come on, our father is the Bob Washington), did you hear that Elliot will be at that party next weekend? And now he’s with Sam. His Sam. Okay - maybe not his Sam - but the grip she had that wouldn’t seem to release itself from his heart seemed to say otherwise. Josh tried to free himself from his jealous inertia and relaxed his muscles, raising his eyebrow teasingly. 

“Ooh, who’s Elliot?” 

Sam reached to pull it back but he dodged, waving the phone above her reach. She let out a laugh - one of those magical Sam laughs that make you forget your name - and slapped him on the arm. “Give me back my phone, Josh!” 

“Come on, are you embarrassed?” He pokes her in the forehead and she giggles again. That damn giggle. 

Elliot: Ur so funny hahaha

He felt a pin prick his heart as Sam seizes the phone back and tucks it in her pocket. “Does he know you’re up all night watching movies with another guy?” He taunts, poking her in the rib. 

She traced a finger down his chest playfully. “You got a crush on me, Joshua?” 

They’re so close now, his face is up to his that if he inched any closer their noses would be touching. He’s imagining tasting the pink of her lips, imagining whether they would be hot against his and whether they tasted like the smell of her Coca Cola lip balm. Josh felt his cheeks flush. Is it a crush when you spent the last few weeks in the psych ward thinking about her? 

“Mm, yeah, I’m sooo in love with the way you have popcorn stuck in your teeth right now.” 

“God, Josh,” Hannah rolls her eyes. “She won’t know you like her if you never even tell her.” 

Josh groaned and pulled his blanket over his head. “I don’t like her. I just think it’s weird that she’s spending all this time with this Elliot guy.” 

He hadn’t told either of his sisters anything about his newfound feelings for Sam - but the twins had an eye for these sorts of things, and there was no hiding anything from them. 

Sam loves running. When she practices for the upcoming track meet, every morning she goes for a jog past the Washington house and hangs out with Hannah and Beth before they take the bus together. Upon noticing this, Josh coincidentally loves waking up early, and every morning he’s in the kitchen cutting fruit on the off chance she’ll want a snack before she leaves. This had only elicited eyebrow raises from the twins, who kept mentioning how strange it was that he was up so early.

Hannah and Beth knew it for certain from a couple days after the sleepover, when he had bounded into the living room while the twins were playing board games on the floor and dropped a stack of papers on their game of Scrabble. 

“There!” he announced triumphantly, crossing his arms. 

Beth glares at him and grunts, crossing her arms over her chest. “Josh. I was winning.” 

Hannah raises an eyebrow. “What even is this?” She leafs through the stack and tosses them back on the floor, the papers falling around her to reveal Elliot’s grinning school photo. Josh rolls his eyes at him; the loser - he even looks like a dickhead in his ID picture. 

“Elliot Coleman’s academic transcript.” 

The twins exchange a glance with each other and Beth takes one of the papers into her hand, squinting at the text. When she realises, a smile creeps onto her face and she surveys the next page. They try their best to humour him, Hannah trying to contort her face into a straight one, but Beth accidentally locks eyes with her, sending them both into fits of laughter. 

Josh swivels his head between the both of them, wide eyes darting between the two. “What’s so funny?” he demands, holding his hands up in exasperation. “This is totally serious.” 

“What-” Hannah giggles between hiccups, “what do you mean, Elliot’s transcript? Where did you even get this?” 

Josh scoffs, a finger stabbing accusingly at the forlorn papers. “Look at this shit - four D’s. Who the fuck even is this guy?” 

Beth stifles a giggle, moulding her face into a serious one. “What are you talking about?” A smile peeks out when she ends the question and her hands race to her mouth to keep from cackling. 

“This guy is not good enough for Sam. He’s fucking illiterate - I mean come on, an F for English? He’s from Tennessee. They don’t even speak anything there other than English. No wonder he’s taking a tenth grade class.” 

This is the breaking point for Beth, because she can’t hold in her laughter anymore and she’s hunched over, slapping Hannah’s arm. 

“Jesus, Josh, when were you gonna tell us you were into Sam?” Hannah’s in tears now too, taking off her glasses to wipe the fog from the lenses. 

“I don’t like Sam. I just think that she deserves more than a guy who’s stuck at a fifth grade reading level!” 

The twins exchange a look between giggles, and Beth furrows her eyebrows. “Sure thing, Josh.” 

Okay, so maybe he could’ve been a bit more lowkey. 

Hannah’s persistence lucks out in the end, because she manages to convince Josh to come to Mike Munroe’s birthday party - a party that she wouldn’t’ve attended without him. He wasn’t entirely sure what Hannah saw in the guy anyway; he was the type of loser that would like his own photos on Instagram and use the 100 emoji unironically. They were on okay terms - Mike and Josh were in the same circles, and on more than one occasion Josh had gone out for a couple of drinks with him. But as a potential love interest for Hannah? No fucking way. He couldn’t think of one girl in their year that Mike hadn’t talked to, slept with or seen naked. 

And that Elliot guy? Well, he couldn’t really find anything that bad about him that made him a bad match for Sammy. But also, he couldn’t find anything good about him either - his only A+ subject was gym class, for god’s sake. He was completely unremarkable in the sense that his only redeeming factor was probably that he was in the track team like Sam. Josh groaned at the thought of them waking up early together and going on a run and playfully flirting and sweating and the like. Loser, he thought. Even his name sounds stupid. 

When he walks out onto the backyard porch, someone’s standing, shoulders hunched and elbows resting on the railing, and he knows it’s Sam. Figures, he thought. Josh knew from the start that that Eliott guy was an idiot. Her hair falls in a halo around her head as it hangs over the fence and he reaches out and twirls it around his finger. 

“You alright, Sammy?” 

She looks up at him and shakes her hair out of her face lazily, making him let go so as not to hurt her. 

“Do you think I’m unlovable?” she says it with a whine and he involuntarily imagines himself covering her mouth with his own. He hardly thinks she’s unlovable; he should know - he’s basically been in love with her since the moment they met. 

“I think you’re a lot of things,” Josh starts, taking his place beside her and resting his weight onto the fence. They’re standing close now, so that their shoulders are bumped against each other. “But I wouldn’t necessarily say unlovable.”

She makes an annoyed murmur and swats at him with the back of her hand, his arms lifting in defense. “Hey, I never specified whether the things in question were good or bad!” 

“You know this is like, the third time a guy’s stood me up?” 

“Third!?”

“Every single guy I’ve tried to talk to turns out to be an asshole.” When she sighs, she sighs with her whole body, slumping forward and picking at the splintering wood of the fence with her nail. It’s like a pin pushed through his heart when he mentions other guys. Of course, he knew that a girl as beautiful as Sam would be stolen from him by someone at some point in time, but he liked it better staying ignorant to the idea, and living in their little bubble of somewhere between friends and flirting. 

“Sometimes I just think that I’m the common denominator.” 

“Hey, they’re probably all losers anyway,” he says. Josh pokes her in the shoulder and she shoves back into him playfully. “You’re probably much cooler than all of them combined, with your little Save The Manatees badges.” 

“Joshh,” she rolls her eyes. “That was like ten years ago. And I still stand by that - they’re a dying breed!” 

He laughs and punches her on the shoulder. The way that she stays grounded in her beliefs (even after years) can’t help make his cheeks hurt; it’s one of his favourite traits of her’s - the fact that she cares. Unwaveringly. About everything, with all her heart. She’s so selfless that he’s sure that she would forgo all the happiness in the world for world peace or something noble like that.

“Just …. Joshing.” 

She punches him back and they’re laughing now. It’s times like these when he realises that moments like these most likely won’t be in the cards for him - not for crazy guys who imagine voices in his head. The hole in his stomach grows. Josh puts his arms up in surrender, raising his palms to the ceiling. “Hey, I’m kidding. Anybody would be insane to stand you up.” 

Sam doesn’t say anything, but she’s smiling and crossing her arms at the compliment like she doesn’t believe it. “You’re like, the most amazing girl I know- I mean look at you.”

She raises an eyebrow. “You mean it?” 

“Scout’s honour.” He crosses one hand over his heart and uses the other to stick a Marlboro Red 100 in his mouth from behind his ear. He gives her his lighter, and there’s a split second when their hands are touching for a bit longer than they should. Josh leans over to her so that the tip of the cigarette is almost touching her nose. It’s their tradition, despite Sam’s vehement protests against his susceptibility to lung cancer. She cups a hand beside his mouth to shield it from the wind, a small, intimate gesture, and with her left she flicks it lit. 

“Thank you, madam,” he jokes, and makes like he’s tipping his hat to her. Sam curtsies and tucks the lighter into his breast pocket. It’s warm where her hand was, over his heart like it’s protected by her touch. She peers over him and watches as he takes a long drag and inhales it into the cool air. The breeze is cool, but the smoke filling up his lungs mixed with the after effects of the beer makes him feel warm. Josh isn’t allowed to be drinking, but his next test is on Friday and there’s no way he’s not getting away with it, what with how much better he’s been doing lately. Maybe it’s because of all the time that he’s been spending with Sam - her goodness is rubbing off on him. Whatever it is, he hopes that he’s done enough so that next week the doctors will reduce his therapy sessions from once a week to once a fortnight. 

“Loosen up a bit, Sammy.” She’s looking at him a bit funny, readjusting herself like she wants to say something. “All that good samaritan behaviour must be exhausting.” 

“Okay, don’t judge me right now,” Sam turns herself towards him and looks up directly into his eyes, a small smile playing on her lips. He almost wants to look away. “But you’re making me kinda want to try it.” 

He almost chokes on his next puff, spluttering and covering his mouth with the back of his palm. 

“No fucking way,” For a second, he thinks she’s joking, but he’s looking up at her so earnestly that he’s startled. “I didn’t mean that - cigarettes aren’t even vegan, anyway.” 

“I know, I’m terrible!” She raises a hand to her forehead and feigns distress. 

It’s one of the moments that he realises he’s going to ruin her. That he always can’t help but ruin her, and she always can’t help but to let him. She’s still looking up at her and he tries his best not to smile back at her, but he can’t and he breaks into a chuckle. 

“Fuck no, Sammy, I’m not entertaining any of your secret vices.”

She pouts and he sighs. He will ruin her, he’s sure - and this is just the start of it. So Josh gives in, and positions himself behind her, so that he’s reaching over her shoulder to hand her the cigarette. She’s tucked into him so close that if he moved any closer he’d be up against her. When Sam takes it from his hands, she leans a bit closer into him so that her leg is pressed against his. If there was a pin in his heart from his crush on her, she just pulled it out and watched him explode. 

“One drag, okay?” 

Sam looks back at him and it’s then that he realises that she’s dangerously close to his mouth. She has it between her index finger and thumb gingerly, careful not to get any ash on her bare skin. “How do I do it?” 

He presses a hand to below her diaphragm. She’s almost flat against his chest now, and he tries his best to hide the tightness in his jeans. “Just a breath from here.” 

She nods and takes a breath, but coughs immediately, and they break apart from each other abruptly, Sam snorting with laughter. It only makes him shake his head, her contagious laugh infecting him too. When she laughs she grips onto his arm and it makes him want to take off that bit of skin and frame it - a dirty part of him that she cleansed with only her hand. 

“Okay, wait, wait, one more time.” She inhales it and then exhales into the air beside him and gags a bit through giggles. He picks it from her hand and holds it above her head out of her reach. “That’s all you’re getting.” 

Their interaction seems to have sparked her back to life, because later that night she’s back to her bubbly self. She’s happy (with someone else) and that’s the worst part. That’s all that he can see. Sam’s throwing her head back and laughing, and her nose scrunches a little bit - a gesture that was usually reserved for him. Her arms are crossed and her head is cocked slightly to the left, peering up at the guy in front of her through her eyelashes.

It’s ironic that they just had that conversation about her not needing a guy, and now she’s laughing it up with one- a real normal guy too. It’s Elliot; apparently he had ‘car problems’ - whatever that means (he doesn’t even drive!). She catches his eye and shoots him a huge smile and thumbs up, to which he has no choice but to smile back enthusiastically. He should’ve known that someone would’ve been charmed by her eventually, what with her gorgeous eyes and sunny smile. Josh’s heart prickles every time she laughs and smacks the other guy’s arm. It prickles so deeply that he’s numb when he goes home on the arm of another girl, and sleeps with her without really knowing why. 

It prickles so fervently that his sour mood continues for the rest of the week. The next two weeks he lives life like it’s a long cloudy dream, skipping his therapy sessions to sleep in all day and coming into school late and half-high. The girl from Mike’s party keeps messaging him on Instagram - when can i see u again xx - but he hasn’t bothered to even follow her back; it sickens him. She wishes it was Sam instead. Chris frequently makes joking offhand comments about how much of a mess he’s becoming, but as the days go by, the jokes quickly turn into grimaces and recommendations to the school therapist. He gets into a fight with a guy in his History class and has to spend Thursday afternoon writing lines. He’s a mess the next week too, until Beth grabs a hold of him Monday morning at the breakfast table. She’s storming into the dining room with her makeup half done, boots clattering hard against the wooden floor. “What the hell is wrong with you?!” 

Josh is eating his cereal with discontent - steady, mechanical clinks of his spoon scraping against the ceramic bowl. He shoots her a cloudy look, milk splattering all over the table as he drops his spoon with a clang. “What, so I can’t eat cereal now?” 

“You better give me one good reason why I shouldn’t believe that you’re the reason that Sam got suspended.” 

His heart stops. 

It's at this moment that the world feels like jell-o, and he’s confronted with the full force of the destruction his mood has left in its path. “Sam got suspended?” 

She loves me. 

Josh has a bad habit of smoking near the lockers and hiding the pack near the science labs. There were two reasons why he liked to do this. The first was that he had to do mandatory checks with the school nurse every few days to make sure that he wasn’t smoking or drinking, so it was a good hiding spot. None of the teachers ever looked there, and if they did, they’d just pretend they didn’t see. The other, more salient reason, was that Sam’s locker was there, and he could sneak a smile and sometimes even a note to her before getting to his class. 

“Yeah, and you know why?” Beth slams her hands down on the table, and with her force, his spoon clatters against the bowl even more. “Because you had left that pack of fucking Red 100s in the science labs, and she said they were hers .” 

Sammy. Of course she did. He wonders what had happened in his childhood that had caused his entire mood to hinge on the affection of this one girl. 

“You don’t even know they were mine,” Josh murmurs, and crosses his arms. He knows they’re his. 

“Name one other person who’s pretentious enough to smoke those.” She sighs in exasperation. “She can’t run in the track meet tomorrow and you know how much that means to her!” 

She really loves me.

She would get kicked off the track team for me.

I can’t let her do that to herself. 

Josh’s mouth becomes dry and it’s like the Wheat-o’s have turned to dust in his throat. He’s overcome with guilt. He knows now, there’s no reality where they can ever be together - there’s no reality that he won’t ruin her. It’s best if he stays far away from her, far away from the mess that he seems to cause wherever he goes. If only Josh hadn’t taught an angel how to smoke. If only she hadn’t let him. 

“I’m telling you this because I’m your sister and I love you,” Beth says, clasping a hand over his and squeezing tight. “Please, for the love of god, leave her alone.” 

next chapter

i sleep so i can see you (i hate to wait so long)

ੈ✩‧₊ chapter 1: sam likes josh

view it on ao3 next chapter

image credit: @bratjosh one of my FAV accounts for screencaps!! <3

pairing: josh washington x sam giddings

synopsis: The first time Sam has a proper interaction with the twins' older brother, she's on the ground. When Sam is in the tenth grade, he's the reason she gets called to the principal's office. She's got her phone beside her pillow at full volume at all times and he's why. She realises that she'll be making excuses for him all her life. Josh and Sam in the years leading up to the prank. Or, all the boys people Samantha Giddings has ever had a crush on.

a/n: hi.... this is my first post on here officially - i am LONG retired from writing, but i have loved these two since FOREVER and wanted to give it a shot. expect many chapters!

word count: 4.6k

The first time Sam has a proper interaction with the twins’ older brother, she’s on the ground. It’s the scrape of wet gravel dragging across her back and stinging pain that makes her eyes water that embeds the event into her memory forever. She recalls looking up from the schoolyard floor and seeing a flannel with a white t-shirt under it, the fabric flapping wildly in the cool wind like a superhero’s cape. Even now, when she thinks back to that moment, it isn’t the fight that she remembers first - it’s the bright red on his white shirt from the other boy’s nose. He’s got the boy’s arm pinned behind his back.

She knew that middle schoolers got into fights, but it had never happened so close to her. And over her childish badge, too? Embarrassment bubbled in her stomach.

Sam is in the fifth grade, but she still wears a pink glittery badge with gold stars on her pencil case. It says Save the Manatees in big white bubble letters and she’s ashamed to admit that her dad bought it for her when they went to the conservation centre in Florida. That was last summer, before she was old enough to realise that the trip was the last time she would see her parents within the same vicinity of each other. Now she will spend her second Christmas alone with her mother, making do with Christmas movies on the TV and dinner alone because her mother’s on the night shift.

It was the last day before winter break and Hannah and Beth wanted to spend time at Sam’s before they went back to their lodge for Christmas.

“It’s nothing special, just so you know,” Sam said quickly.

The twins didn’t care, but Sam’s ears reddened at the thought of the twins stepping into her mom’s little 80s style apartment. Despite going to school in the Hills, the twins were rich - a whole different plane of existence than the other students. Their dad was the Bob Washington, but if you met them you wouldn’t even be able to tell, by the way that Hannah has kept the same pencil case since the third grade (she’s emotionally attached to it) or the way that despite receiving designer earrings from her father every Christmas and birthday, Beth still wears spiky rubber earrings from Claire’s (“but they’re cute!” she protests, whenever someone points it out).

So she had let them start to walk her home, before she had felt for her little pink pencil case and noticed that it didn’t occupy its usual spot linked around her bag strap.

“Just because your daddy’s famous doesn’t make you the boss of me.” The other boy chucks the badge to the floor. Sam couldn’t tell the boys apart through her blurred vision - through her dusty eyelashes their arms were linked like two bulls at the horns. The older boy chuckles like this isn’t even his maximum capacity, and twists the other’s arm further with effortless ease.

When Sam finally is able to blink away her tears, only mortification ensues. It was Hannah and Beth’s brother who had come to her rescue; the infamous Josh Washington, who had won the affection of all the girls in the fifth grade.

Before she was friends with the twins, she had heard all sorts of stories about Josh Washington. Sam had never spoken to Josh, only seen him around school with his cocky half-smile and bag on one shoulder decorated with patches of obscure rock bands.

“He’s really cute,” a girl in her class once told her. “But he’s scary."

“My brother’s in his class and he said a special anger management teacher takes him out of class for one period every day,” another girl mused. “It’s because he’s insane, I bet.”

Sometimes she had tried to sneak a peek at him when she was over at the Washingtons’ - she wanted to know how the oldest Washington actually lived - if he really lived up to his infamy. He occupied her imagination sometimes - she would always imagine what he did beyond that great oak door he hid behind. He danced, maybe - she imagined big, scary Josh Washington whose knuckles were always bruised - he would sway along in his room with his headphones on like she would sometimes with his hands clasped over the sides. Sam already decided in her head -yes, Josh Washington wasn’t scary one bit.

Hannah and Beth always spoke highly of their older brother, despite the whispers from kids at school. Nothing anybody said about him was true - well, only half true - Josh had a wild temper, but the baseball incident only occurred because the offending party called Hannah a baby; and he actually didn’t attend anger management classes - it was a visiting therapist prescribed by his (private, and very expensive) psychologist.

The twins had mentioned he had struggled with mental health issues, but assured her it rarely affected his day-to-day life and if he hadn’t had to go to the therapist every day, you wouldn’t even be able to tell. This didn’t bother Sam - she had realised that there was something deeply wrong with her parents since she was maybe eight, and was well-equipped with dealing with people of questionable levels of emotional stability.

The younger boy tries to spit on him, but Josh kicks in his calf so that he drops to one knee. “Pick it up and say you’re sorry.”

The boy mutters a sort of apology in the direction of Sam and kicks the pin towards her. He’s trying to break out of Josh’s reach like a wild dog, but her hero is stronger and he presses harder onto the boy’s arm. A tornado of dust is getting kicked up around her by the boy’s legs, flailing ferociously and she has to use a hand to shield her eyes. Through the smut she can see Josh like he’s suburban Jesus, light from the classrooms peeking out from behind his silhouette.

“Nicely." Josh says it like it’s a threat.

A choke escapes his mouth as Josh lets him sink to the ground like water.

“I’m sorry,” he coughs out. The boy and Sam are on even footing now - she reddens as he extends an arm to return the pin. He doesn’t want to look at her, eyes trained to the floor behind him but Josh nudges his head with his knee so they are face to face. It seems stupid now, and she raises a shaky arm to take it back. The badge is mangled, a great crack extending through the diameter of the plastic right through the stars.

“You’re a fucking psycho,” the boy spits, and he makes himself scarce, red rubies of blood trailing him.

Sam looks to his savior and his expression softens. She must’ve looked visibly shaken, because when he pulls her to her feet he’s taking care to act with gentle motions.

“Are you alright?” He dusts off the gravel from her back with a touch so light she can hardly believe that his fists were the cause of the blood dripping down his shirt. Josh double taps the middle of her back to signal Sam to lift her shirt. Her bare back is grazed with blood and dirt - she hadn’t realised how hard she had been pushed to the ground until now.

Years of having two younger sisters have taught him well, because he uses his drink bottle to clear out the dirt from her graze with a careful hand, then wipes it clean with his shirt. When the cool water makes contact with her skin she tries not to shiver - LA is rarely cold but it’s the middle of winter and the breeze makes it bite. With a careful finger he brushes the dirt out of the plastic badge and fixes it back to her pencil case.

“My badge,” she says dumbly. It’s all she can muster at the moment.

Ten minutes later, Josh is walking her back to her sisters, a gentle hand on the small of her back, so soft that she’d almost forgotten she had grazed her back on the gravel. When they walk together, the heat of his touch warms her so the winter breeze doesn’t hurt her as much as it should. He’s not at all like what the kids in her class say - he’s actually quite normal, because they’re talking about their favourite music and what movies they like to watch, and Josh promises her that he’ll show her some real horror movies next time she’s over at the Washingtons’. He has his schoolbag around one shoulder, and Sam’s on the other, her pencil case looped around the strap of her bag. Josh has a steady arm around her throughout the whole walk back and it doesn’t relent, even when she thinks kids are making fun of him because he’s hanging out with an elementary school kid.

“Oh my god, Josh, what happened to you?!” Hannah gasped at the red swelling skin around his eye.

“Oh, Sam, your poor badge,” Beth touches her hand to the fissure on the pin and then the gravel lines lining Sam’s back. “Was it that asshole from Ms Johnston’s class? I’ll show him next time I see him.”

“No need,” Josh says, proudly brandishing his bruise. “He won’t touch Sam ever again.”

From then he’s been her knight in shining armour - Josh makes it his duty to be her personal bodyguard, assuring her that he’ll walk her home from school every day, even when it rains. He holds her bag too, and proudly, even though it’s pink, which makes her flush out of embarrassment, but also secretly pride. She imagines they will get married when they’re older and get a house with two kids and a dog. When they’re back from Christmas break, Josh dons a Save the Manatees badge on his bag as well, to which Sam responds by ironing a The Cure patch onto her own. He gets them matching star pins for their bags, just like the stars on her badge, and Sam keeps it on the left strap of her bag, next to her heart.

This only makes them subject to the twins’ relentless teasing, and they sing “Josh loves Sam!” as the three of them walk home from school.

Hannah mostly likes middle school - when she has classes with Sam and Beth. She's jealous of the way that most of the other girls wanted to be friends with them, and wondered why it was that she ended up so weird. She has fourth period art class alone, which usually she would like if she actually knew anybody in her class. Everyone else has already packed up their kits, but she's sitting in her stained white t-shirt with her glasses folded in her lap. Sam rushes to her side and wraps her into her arms, dabbing her face with her sweater sleeve. Something that she's sure of is that middle school girls are evil - she's certain, by the way the girls in her class call her 'Hannibal,' because her dad makes horror movies, and the way they splatter blotches of paint on the back of her shirt.

"Oh, Han," she sighs, rubbing her shoulder. "Don't listen to them."

"Be honest," Hannah hiccups through tear-strained eyes. "Do you think my brother is insane?"

Sam brushes her fingers through Hannah's hair and smooths it back, tucking it behind her ears. She finds it endearing, that out of all the things that the girls have teased her about, Hannah's the most worried about her brother. That's the quality that she loved the most about the youngest Washington daughter - she loved her family as hard as she could, with every fiber of her being and with her whole heart.

"Everyone's insane. They were all over him like, a month ago," she rolls her eyes. "They're being ridiculous."

Hannah sobs softly into her hands, hot tears burning through Sam's sleeves.

"Hey, hey, don't cry." Sam picks up the fattest paintbrush on the table and draws a thick line running through her stomach, the red dripping down her shirt like blood. She pulls a face and makes a spluttering noise, like she's a horror movie victim, and the blood splatters on the table and onto Hannah's arm. "Look. I'm insane too."

She smiles, but Hannah's voice still cracks when she speaks. "You're going to ruin your hoodie."

"So? We'll be matching, at least." Sam dips her finger in the thick paint and traces out H + B = BFF :) on her chest, and then onto Hannah's back. "Don't be sad, Han. Who cares about those girls? It's me and you forever."

When they enter the ninth grade, Josh is happy to make them a part of his world, a world where he possesses the ability to spin everyone around his little finger. He always calls out to her in the cafeteria, surrounded by a throng of admirers, his smile always the widest and brightest. Sam rolls her eyes but there’s a part of her that thinks it’s endearing that so many people are enamoured with him.

Beth doesn’t need his help at all, because on the first day of high school all the girls in their homeroom are asking her opinion on their clothes and inviting her to the movies over the weekend.

“They don’t like me," Beth huffs. “They only wanna be friends to get close to Josh.”

She didn’t know when she started paying attention to the way Josh’s shirt stuck to his body, or when she first realised her heart quickened whenever he had texted her first. In a way, she understood why so many girls at school liked him - he was naturally charming; he had a way of leaning close and listening with his whole body whenever someone spoke to him, making them feel like they’re the most important thing in the world.

While having an objectively hot brother definitely added to the appeal, Sam understood why everyone wanted to be friends with Beth, too. She could find a way to make anybody laugh - she and Josh shared the quality of being able to mess around through life like it was all one big game - a trait that Sam never quite got the hang of.

Sam’s first high school party is a pool party at the held by Josh at the Washington estate. The oldest Washington had been entrusted the house by Bob and Melinda for the weekend, freshly out of the hospital, who responded by promptly buying a keg. It's September but it's still hot outside, and she hasn't spoken to Josh properly all summer break. Sam doesn’t think she’ll ever be one for partying, but she can’t help but to admit that she loves the rush of epicureanism that comes with holding a red cup in her hand for the first time. It’s 100 degrees, and Sam matches navy low-cut swimsuits with the twins. They’re racy - not something she’s ever worn in her life before, but she’s excited to get a taste of the high school life. Hannah refuses at first, but Sam and Beth convince her, and they sparkle in their silver beach cover-up skirts.

Sam helps Josh and the twins set up, unfolding the ping pong table for beer pong in the garage while Beth blows balloons. When she’s done, she gets up to look for Hannah, who said she was setting up snacks. Despite coming over every other week, she loves the intrigue of the Washington house - its tall ceilings and dark oak floors. Every time she’s here, she stops to take in the sheer size of it, and admire the gorgeous antique furniture Melinda’s decorated the estate with. She stops at the doorway of the living room to see Josh, dancing alone to the newly set up speaker system.

It’s an old 80s funk song, and he’s shaking his shoulders, singing along to the catchy chorus, until he catches her eye and sways his arms along to her, snapping in time to the beat. Something about the fact that he isn’t even embarrassed - and instead starts whipping out more elaborate dance moves - makes her feel proud to know him. The worst part is, he’s actually good at it.

“You know how to dance, Sammy?” he asks.

She breaks into a silly shoulder roll. “Baby, I know how to dance.”

He pulls her into a salsa and she can’t help but giggle. His hands are gentle and strong, clasping her hands firmly and it makes her blush. Josh claps in time to the beat, pulling her hands towards, then away from him and raising his hand to twirl her. The Washington living room is huge, and the newly set-up speakers make the music feel like it’s radiating below their feet. He drops a hand lightly to her hips and shimmies her along to the song. She has to admit, it’s fun - and she rolls her hips and claps as their laughter rings out through the room.

She accidentally locks eyes with him, but he only smiles and gives her a squeeze on the hip. Sam turns her body to him and he stops for a second, looking down at her lips and then back up at her eyes again.

“Hey, uh, Sam.” He pauses like he’s hesitating. “Thanks for, y'know ... looking out for my sisters while I’ve been gone.”

“They hardly need looking out for.” She puts a hand on his shoulder and squeezes gently. “We’re all here for you, Josh.”

Josh reaches for her and her heart starts to quicken. She wants to know what it feels like to close the gap between them, to experience what she’s only seen in movies. They’re standing so close - all she would need to do is take a step. Her mind starts racing at the idea and she quickly waves it away - no - it can’t be Josh.

A beat of silence.

He brushes her shoulder with his fingertips.

“Sorry. Dust on you.”

Her gaze is abruptly interrupted by mock gagging noises at the door. They break apart from each other immediately, Sam sheepishly smiling and making herself busy with her hair.

“Um, gross.”

Hannah is at the door, crossing her arms. She’s peering at the two with an intense look of amusement and surprise.

“Get a room, lovebirds.”

“You’re no fun, Han,” Josh smirks, but another song starts playing and Sam takes Hannah’s hand and leads her into a rumba box step. Dancing with Hannah is easier, she thinks - she doesn’t feel the pressure of being perceived, unlike when she’s dancing with Josh.

When it gets dark later that night, Sam has to put a t-shirt on to keep the goosebumps from pimpling her skin. The alcohol seems to make everyone around her immune to the breeze though, because everyone’s still in their swimwear. She’s on the karaoke machine between Beth, Emily and Jess, who’s definitely had too much to drink, because the latter is holding on to her with a death grip and yelling expletives at any man who comes close to her. They’re singing a girly pop song, complete with some silly choreography from Beth and Sam memorised from years of playing Just Dance together.

She doesn’t notice, but Josh surveys her from beside the pool, smiling at her childish moves. When the song is about to end, she sees him watching and winks, pointing a disco finger at him.

“Sammy!” Josh calls out, and she excuses herself to make his way towards him. He’s following her with his eyes, until she reaches his side, which makes him look away as if he’s been caught. He's lighter now, maybe the effect of a few beers, because his shoulders are back and relaxed and he's moving in slow motion.

“Yes, Josh?”

“I just wanted to let you know that…” he leans down to get closer to her. There’s a split second where he pauses, and she can’t tell if she imagined it, or if he gazes down at her lips. They’re locking eyes now, for a beat too long, and Sam holds her breath waiting for the impact of his words.

“You got something on your shirt.”

He reaches down as if to brush something off her. Her heart jolts when instead, he loops an arm around her waist and tries swinging her into the pool.

But her reflexes are faster. She latches onto his wrist and pulls him in with her, giggling as they plunge into the cool water. They’re panting a combination of laughs and shivers now and Josh bobs to break the surface of the water, flicking his wet hair out of his eyes.

“You’re gonna have to do a whole lot better than that to get me, sweetheart.” He lunges for her waist and she feels him circle it with his hands, hoisting her above his head. His movements are strong and steady, and despite being in the water, it feels safe.

“Don’t you dare drop me Josh-” she starts, but she’s too late, and he chucks her in the water with a deafening splash. Sam tries to get him in a headlock, but he wrestles her off, hands clasping around her wrists, sending shivers down her spine. Josh moves both of her wrists to one hand and pokes her side with the other and it makes her squirm into him.

They’re wrestling now, hands intertwined as she tries to splash him in the face. She’s surprised at how strong he is - she realises he’s never seen him shirtless before, only hoodies and pyjamas - and he’s much more muscular than he expected, chiseled like a statue.

“Wait, wait, wait, shhh.” Josh pulls her close into him and pivots her body so their bodies are pressed together. His hands are closed over hers so that they’re steady, stopping her from splashing any further. He leans down to her ear, and she can feel the electricity flickering from his wet chest pressed against her back. Sam suddenly feels hot, and she inhales to get her bearings again.

“Do you see that?” he whispers. His alcohol breath tickles her ear and she tries her best not to flinch. He nods towards Chris and Ashley sitting by the side of the pool, almost social distancing from how far apart they’re trying to hold a conversation. Their bodies are turned in towards each other, and it’s endearing how obviously in love they are - despite neither of them knowing. Ashley giggles at a joke Chris says and shifts closer to him, to which he turns away and runs a hand through his hair.

“Aww, so cute,” she muses. Her back is still pressed against him and she’s aware of how warm his skin feels against her’s.

“I know you think I’m cute, Sammy, you don’t need to remind me.” A cocky smirk lights his face, and she splashes his face with water. He breaks away from her, shielding his face from the chlorine with his hands.

“You’re so annoying. I meant them.”

“Don’t you think that all they need to finally hook up-” he bumps her with his hip, “is a little push?”

That’s how by the end of the night, Josh has convinced Chris and Ashley to have a chicken fight with them, and Sam feels like her face should not be flushing this much thinking about her legs wrapped around her best friend’s brother’s shoulders.

Ashley lunges for her and Sam steadies herself, tensing her legs around Josh’s arms. He responds by tightening his grip around her shins.

“Watch out, cochise. My girl can fight.” Josh taunts. My girl. The phrase shouldn’t make her cheeks flush as much as it does - Josh would flirt with anything that walked. She swerves from Ashley’s grip, reaching for the other girl’s arms. Ashley swipes at her but she dodges, reaching down to splash her with water. The two interlock fingers, trying to twist the other into the water, but Sam’s stronger and she almost topples Ashley forward into the water.

Ashley steadies herself, obviously flushing from accidentally brushing Chris with her chest. If he’s also embarrassed, Chris is doing a really good job at hiding it, because he jerks forward, giving her the momentum to push into Sam. Josh is able to weave out of the way, positioning Sam at Ashley’s side. The girls hold onto each other’s arms, and finally, with a quick but heavy push, Sam is able to get the other girl into the water with a splash.

Ashley grabs onto Chris’ hand as she falls and the both are submerged, laughing and clinging to each other. They’re gazing into each other’s eyes as they both break the surface of the water, still smiling to each other. Sam places her arms on Josh’s head and drops her chin so she’s resting on them. “Aww. We won, but they really won.”

Josh laughs. “Mission accomplished, huh, Sammy?”

She reaches down and splashes him with water. “When’s it your turn to get a girlfriend?”

“When you get some better dance moves.”

Sam rolls her eyes.

She’s in the upstairs bathroom drying herself off, when she overhears Josh’s voice through the open window. It’s early in the morning - maybe 8am - and the party has well cleared out, so that now the only occupants of the house are Sam, Josh and the twins. The girls are heavy sleepers, especially after the excitement of last night, but Sam’s always been a morning person and she wakes at 6:30 to go for a run.

“So you’re not able to make it.” He says it like it’s a statement. His voice is gravelly - she doubts she’d ever heard it without its jovial tone before.

A pause.

“It’s important to me.”

“I know, Dad.” A sigh. “Forget about it. I’ll see you next weekend, okay?”

A click to signal the end of the phone call, and a loud crash. Sam tries her best to make haste before she catches Josh. The door of the bathroom bursts open and Sam’s hand darts to her shirt, legs still bare.

“Fuck!” Josh covers his eyes with his hands. His eyes are red rimmed, like he didn’t get enough sleep, and he smells lightly of beer. Josh clears his throat and his voice is almost back to normal. “Sorry, Sammy.”

She tries to pull on her leggings and t-shirt as fast as she can, cheeks reddening. “No, no, I’m sorry.”

He peeks through his fingers and smiles weakly. “You decent?”

Sam bats at him with her t-shirt. “Josh!”

“Hey, I just need the medicine cabinet and I’ll be on my way,” he smirks. “Unless you need some help here.”

“You’re incorrigible.” She steps out of the way so that he can reach the bathroom mirror, and she’s suddenly aware of his presence right behind him. He pops open a couple of bottles and swallows the pills dry, not even stopping to read the labels.

After Sam has been with the Washingtons for more than half of her life, she realises that being friends with Josh is like having an alarm clock and not remembering what time you set it for. Sometimes he would be genial and warm, and other times he would freeze over. Sometimes he would pass her notes in the hallway. Sometimes, he wouldn't look at her at all. When she makes the swim team, he draws her three little manatees on a sticky note with speech bubbles above them saying, "You did it!" and "You're amazing!". She keeps them on the inside of her binder. Despite knowing him for so long, she still can't figure him out.

When the fall turns to winter, Hannah calls her in tears from the hospital. Josh won't be home for three months.

next chapter