Your Window to Inspiration: Seamlessly Browse Tumblr!
@ last post
At this point i won’t even be happy with my job either. I want to do music but it’s so unreliable that my anxiety gets the better of me. I know I could do it, I know I could take up that music college in L.A. on their offer, but at this point everything is going to shit anyways so I don’t want to risk the corrupt nature of the music industry. I guess what i’m saying is everything feels so impossible to achieve and there’s not even any goals to motivate me like past generations had. Everything is so out of reach and overwhelming it feels like there’s no options left for me and people like me. Don’t even get me started on the fact that the government can afford to spend millions on war and genocide but not to fix internal issues.
This is gonna get really depressing but I feel like i have to say it so here we are (TW for suicidal themes btw)
As a teenager entering my junior year it has become apparent that I need to start applying for scholarships and that graduating high school is not that far away for me. You could say i’m a star student and that i’ll be fine after all, I make good grades, I’m in AP classes, and I win awards for my extra curriculars as well as my academics, but I’m still worried. Going to college is a must in today’s world so it’s not like i have a choice because if I don’t go to college i’ll be stuck working some low paying job with no opportunities. Neither of my parents went to college nor my grandparents so I do have the first generation advantage but that means i’ve seen the aftermath of not going to college first hand and it only makes me more nervous. Earlier this year my father had been laid off and while he has gotten a job since then, it took three months, all because he didn’t have a college degree. My parents have never been well off financially and I would say I grew up poor compared to everyone around me, because of this I don’t have a college fund; which is kind of essential in today’s shitshow of an economy. While I am very smart and a hard worker I’m not sure I can pay to go to college, and a respected college at that. I know this sounds cocky of me but I don’t want to waste my time, money, energy, and intelligence on a low level college. I’ve had my sights set on UT Austin for a while now and I know I can get in but money worries me, and i’m not alone on that. 77% of Americans say that college is unaffordable as of June 2023, additionally, 52% of Americans saying that even in-state colleges are too pricey to possibly pay the tuition. Hell, people can’t even buy food anymore cuz if they do they can’t pay their bills. The American economy is in shambles for everybody but the politicians. There is nothing left of the “American Dream” that people love to preach about. I’ve been both blessed and cursed with being born and raised in West Texas and let me tell you why. Out here we learn the importance of hard work early on in life and many people can make a high income which is good, but the economy in West Texas is always shifting because the main industry here is oil and natural gas. There’s a thing that dictates the economy here that happens every five years or so called an oil bust. An oil bust is when oil production rates drop significantly, causing a loss in money and people. Think about it like the gold rush, when the gold ran out, the miners and the money left town. I’ve witnessed the oil booms, but the busts are so much more memorable. I owe everything I have to the permian period remains that we suck from the earth in exchange for profit, all of the money here is thanks to extinct sea creatures that are 259 million years old. Because of this I don’t even know what a good job is besides doctor and oil company not to mention my town is so isolated we don’t have any good schools within a 2 hours drive. The closest college with a good name is Texas Tech and I am not getting raider rash, Tech is out of the question. UT Austin is 5 hours and 10 mins away by drive from my hometown. Being able to afford the tuition is one thing but gas, food, dorm fees, and moving furniture across the state on top of that is extremely daunting especially considering i’ll be so far away from my family. I can’t even prepare for the impending economic crash considering if I get a 4 year degree I’ll graduate from college in 2030, the same year the crash is predicted to hit. I’ll never be able to afford a house, or a car, or retirement, or even food at this point it’s outrageous and so completely stressing that if the economy doesn’t improve by the time i’m 40 I might just shoot myself because I can’t be old and broke, I mean, come on, pick a struggle. It was in my plan to be dead before I was old enough to retire anyway tho cuz I don’t want to live that long only to have financially staggering medical expenses.
Reposting for myself, because this is my issue, but also for visibility for anyone who struggles
The “getting it done in an unconventional way” method.
The “it’s not cheating to do it the easy way” method.
The “fuck what you’re supposed to do” method.
The “get stuff done while you wait” method.
The “you don’t have to do everything at once” method.
The “it doesn’t have to be permanent to be helpful” method.
The “break the task into smaller steps” method.
The “treat yourself like a pet” method.
The “it doesn’t have to be all or nothing” method.
The “put on a persona” method.
The “act like you’re filming a tutorial” method.
The “you don’t have to do it perfectly” method.
The “wait for a trigger” method.
The “do it for your future self” method.
The “might as well” method.
The “when self discipline doesn’t cut it” method.
The “taking care of yourself to take care of your pet” method.
The “make it easy” method.
The “junebugging” method.
The “just show up” method.
The “accept when you need help” method.
The “make it into a game” method.
The “everything worth doing is worth doing poorly” method.
The “trick yourself” method.
The “break it into even smaller steps” method.
The “let go of should” method.
The “your body is an animal you have to take care of” method.
The “fork theory” method.
The “effectivity over aesthetics” method.
I feel like I'm wrong.
Every time I see a pretty girl,
or hear someone say "why'd you make it weird?"
a storm gathers in my throat
and I want to scream
"You think I chose to be like this?"
I try so hard to be proud
but I feel so ashamed
of everything that I am
Why girls? Why anyone?
Why am I like this?
I'm so afraid of what I am
even though I just want
to feel okay.