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Learning - Blog Posts
Since I’m sick I’m going to learn to draw because I just that to do so if you have like vidéo on YouTube, advice etc that can be nice!
Learning More About Myself
Sometimes the hardest thing to accept is that someone can mean the whole world to you, but you will never be that important to that person.
So, I am a Cancer, an aquatic star sign. We are known for being caring, to the extent of motherly. My emotions are also heightened. When I feel things, I feel them to the extreme. I also get attached to people really easily and crushes don't really feel like crushes, they feel like a messed up form of love. Unfortunately I also feel things like hate, anger, disappointment and depression to the extremes. That's why, if someone is important to me, I try to put them at the top of my list. I will do almost anything for them.
This is what makes things difficult. I will put people first in my life, do anything to help them and avoid fighting with them, but when I was younger, sometimes this wouldn't work, and I would get angry and sometimes, thankfully not a lot of times, this would turn into a small fit of violence. I say small because it would be a storm out with a slamming door or one punch, or a slap and then it's done.
I kind of feel like this turned into calamitous relationships as I grew up. I would have friends that would end up leaving me or kicking me out of their groups in high school because I was either too shy or too loud. My relationship with my family was worsening as I started to fall into a depressive state. Things with friends in school started to feel so uncertain all the time and to make it worse, I had had my heart broken for the first time by some douchebag I knew and had a crush on in primary school. He knew this and in high school took advantage of it. He told me he wanted to be my boyfriend, but we only ever had an online relationship. (I went to an all girls high school) So I never considered it my first real relationship or him as my first real boyfriend. We "broke up" because he hated that he never saw me. About a month or so later he wanted to try again, but the very next day told me his ex-girlfriend wanted him back and dumped me.
This started a long journey of depression, self harm and an extensive search for affection from the male species. I guess that search started a long time ago though. I mean, I spoke a lot about how my dad kind of isolated himself from me and stuff...
So you can say I kind of have parent issues. I never really had a mom. I mean I only knew her for about nine years of my life. She was rock for those nine years. After she passed on, my sister tried to be the mother figure in my life. When my dad isolated himself from us, my brother was there to fill the gap. My brother and sister are also a lot older than me. 11 years and 7 years respectively. This helped the process as they were old enough to take me to doctors and fill out the paperwork or sign my homework books and write me sick notes. They would drive me wherever I needed to go and buy me whatever I needed. They were pretty much my parents for most of my childhood and teenage life. Without them I have no idea where I would be right now.
It was hard, I didn't have a mom. I had a dad who who gave up on being my dad and then a brother and a sister who tried their best to fill the gap... But I think things were also harder because I didn't really know how to talk to people about things. I still don't know how to talk to people about things. Even though I trust tons of people, I constantly feel like if I tell them things, they'll give up on me or judge me. It's too hard and it feels too risky.
There are things about myself that I am certain about:
1. I find it very hard to tell people anything.
2. I hate relying on other people and asking for favours (Unless they are my family), sometimes I'm even to shy to ask someone for directions in a mall...
3. I get attached to people really easily. This also means I am hurt by people easily.
4. I struggle to understand my place in people's lives. When someone is really important to me, I make sure they are happy. But then I also assume that I am important to them and expect to be treated as I treat them. Obviously other people won't... Also, just because they are important to me does not meaan I am important to them.
5. I feel things really deeply.
currently trying to start over and start fresh, people can be something they tell you they aren’t, people can be cruel and untrustworthy and i’m still trying to learn that. i don’t know what exactly to turn to or what to do, but i don’t know i might talk on here about how i’m growing and moving along. spread love and light only.
lux<3
Things English Can’t Do - That Other Languages Can
A fun video about what some other languages have evolved to do. And English did not.
