Constant Comparing And Contrasting It's Like Every Stranger I Meet I Look For You Maybe They Have The

lately i've been really grappling with the pain of not being able to do everything. of growing older and letting the window of time in which i COULD have done something lapse. i can no longer have started something before the age of 19. i can no longer claim to have loved something i start loving now since childhood. i can't dance for my career for the rest of my life, i have to choose whether i give up being a stem major for the rest of my life within the next two weeks, i am long past the point at which i could have done anything but the things i am currently involved in for all four years of college. i'm terrified that if i go back to things i used to do i wont be as good at them as i used to be. the time for that would have been the second i left. how different my life would have looked!! would i still have lived with the people i do now?? would i still have done the things i did this year? i'm grieving my inability to have a foot in the door of timelines i'm not in, of only having the feet i can stand on in this one. i don't know how to let an opportunity get by me. i cling to as many as i can get my hands on despite knowing i would enjoy each more if i spent less effort clinging to the lot; i mourn each that squirms its way out of my desperate grip, grieving one less egg in my nest. when i am gone what will remain??? what legacy will i leave behind???? i won't know; i'll be dead. so all that i can do is gather as much of life as i can in my grip, and every inch of it that escapes me is a little death of its own. HOW DO YOU COPE.

(may 18???)

Watching my separated parents interact is so interesting. Do you still think about each other? I mean, there was a point in your life when you thought you'd be together forever, right?

And I care so much when I write but suddenly i didn't care at the highschool when no one else would yell the cheers louder than me and I didn't care suddenly in the store joking loud with my sister and I didn't care when people thought i was weird because i hang out in the corner and wear dark clothes and makeup and like what I like and I don't care

You were always interested in humans. Ever since you were a little girl, they've fascinated you. Even though the others had always warned you about how dangerous they were, how much your kind had infatuated them with ideas of catching and capturing.... It didn't matter. All you dreamed about was to be human, to see one, to talk to one. You often rebelled, rather that be swimming too far out to shore or stealing left behind treasures, it drove your parents mad.

One day, you were swimming about, looking for some new trinket or jewelry, something lost in the ocean by a human. However, there didn't seem to be anything worth taking today. It was sunny and bright, and you decided to check it out, to get some fresh air. Obviously, you were cautious, but curiosity still overcame you. When you popped your head out of the water, you saw a ship. This intrigued you. You lived in a rather desolate and rather dangerous spot of the ocean that people - let alone pirates - ever crossed through.

The ship was large, wooden, and it had huge sails with an odd sort of emblem on it that you could only describe as some sort of...bug? With wings. You've learned about humans and the things on the land. This one was new, though, a long-ish bug, wings poking out of the sides. It was pretty.

But the ship wasn't the only thing that caught your eyes. There was a woman. Her hair, aburn, glistening in the scorching sun, her hat placed high on her head, a captain? Must be.

You swam closer, your purple iridescent scales simmered under the sunlight, your long dark hair flowing behind you. When you popped your head back up, you hid behind a large rock. Getting a closer look at her face, it was littered with freckles, her flowy blouse swaying with every wind that passed...

You've seen humans before. But this, this was different. You couldn't exactly explain it.. but something about this woman, this... captain, made you more intrigued. You wanted to swim closer, to risk it all. And in the midst of your observing... she saw you, eyes met. No, eyes locked. You snapped out of it, dipping beneath the surface. Had you really just let a human see you! You should turn away, swim home, and avoid the surface for a while. But you don't, you don't turn away. Infact you look again, rising to the surface once more.

She's still looking, but she doesn't say anything. She doesn't call out to a crew member. She isn't even suprised, she just grins. Her eyes shimmer. They're like emeralds, beckoning you closer, calling your name.

So you swim closer.

She placebo on my effect til I feel like something happened

I'm not made to sit at my desk and listen to someone else drawl on and on about something for 45 minutes

I'm not meant to sit in a room with 200 other kids and be forced to go back to our separate classrooms after 30 minutes of eating mystery food

I'm not meant to be forced to toss a football back and forth or run a track

I'm meant to read and write and sit in tree houses and wander in fields

I'm meant to wear flower crowns and eat berries and olives all day

I'm meant to befriend the trees and deers and paint with flowers

I'm not made to sit in school

In a place where my voice doesn't matter

I want to become a Mandela Effect. Delete my account, delete all posts. Have no trace I existed, but everyone swears I did

And maybe soulmates weren't meant to fall in love but rather to have a connection a silent one an eyes glancing across the room a quiet but so so deadly spark that poured upon with a single word of gasoline could explode maybe we were meant to walk by eachother and say sorry when our shoulders bumped and take a little bit of each other's souls with us when we left and look for each other in the eyes of every stranger we meet and think about the girl we bumped into