I Hate When You Try Everything To Save A Friendship, But The Other Person Isn’t Making An Effort And

I hate when you try everything to save a friendship, but the other person isn’t making an effort and you feel so horrible, fooling yourself, saying “I’ll give them one more chance maybe they’ll come around” but then one day you realize this has gone on for too long and there’s only one thing left to do. It’s to say fuck it, and move on with your life.

I wish...

It's times like these where I wish my brain would just shut down. I wish that it would just stop thinking, completely.

I constantly have thoughts running through my brain. Sometimes they are conversations, sometimes dreams, a lot of times they are irritating songs, but mostly they are mistakes, judgements and regrets.

Recently, the one thing that runs through my head, at night when I try to sleep, is something Leonard said to me recently. I know it's stupid to keep bringing him up, but it bugs me. So basically, I guess he was in an arguing mood because I received a random text, about something that I sent him weeks ago. I think I wrote about it. About not feeling inportant to him because I wasn't on some stupid blog he wrote. Ironically, he is mentioned in tons of my blog posts. Anyway, he texted me passive-aggressively, asking why I would even want to me there. But this led to something bigger. I told him that I didn't feel like I was important even though I've been there for him since we started at college. When his brother and his brother's girlfriend fought, I was there to talk him out of a panic attack, when he was broke, I bought him lunch and made sure he got home safe. When he just needed to vent about absolutely anything, I was there to listen. So why was I not important when clearly he was so damn important to me? He then decided to choose some random nickname that was in the post and told me it was me. He hasn't called me that name since the first semester in our first year at college. But he's called other people that name, so how was I supposed to know that was me?

I wrote another long note, well text, explaining everything I felt, how much he had hurt me, how it felt like he replaced me with someone else. There are two statements from his reply that run through my head. The first being "You're just jealous, I don't understand why" and "You're being selfish. You just want me all to yourself".

I never said I was jealous. I said I was hurt. I told him I felt like I was being replaced because I was supposed to be his best friend and he never spends any time with me, but he spends all his time with her. A lot of people said he just spends time with her because they smoke together. On the the other hand. I've never smoked a cigarette or weed or anything. I tried a vape once. Only once. So maybe that's true. But it kinda feels like he just threw me away because I have no use to him anymore. She drives him wherever he needs to go. So no more uber, which means he has money for printing and lunch. So I don't need to buy him things anymore either... But I was never jealous. Just hurt. I was just like a phone to him. I served my purpose, but a new one, with better features came along, so now I'm just left aside or thrown away...

It's funny. I never thought I was selfish. Ever. I mean look at I've done for him. Look at all I do for other people. I have a heart for people and animals. I do everything I can for people. Maybe that's why I get used and taken for granted. I never wanted him all to myself. Ever. I knew that he felt it was his purpose to meet, connect and help people. I just wanted a small bit of his time. I wanted us to finally go camping because he mentioned that in first year, but we never did it. I wanted him to finally take me up on my offer to see a movie or try out a new restaurant. He constantly tells me he has plans with other people or has seen the movie already. For once, I wanted to plan something with him and finally do it. But it never happens. I just wanted to see him outside of college, when he's relaxed and happy. But it never happens... Does wanting to spend time with my best friend really make me selfish?

Being a woman is hard af.

No boobs? Damn. Grow some. Boobs? Cover yourself. You’re so vulgar. No ass? Everyone will laugh at you for it. Ass? Well, better cover yourself cause you don’t wanna draw attention to that booty, right? Short? You need to wear those heels. Tall? Damn. You cannot be taller than men. Also, never wear heels. Skinny? Gotta gain weigh cause no one likes bones. Chubby? Eat healthy!!!! Nobody likes fat bitches. You like makeup? Hell no. Taking you swimming on the first date. No makeup? Please, take care of yourself. Don’t be so lazy.

We, women, are constantly shamed for everything so we, as well, might do whatever we want.

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thoughtsandfeels326

6 years ago

I'm just waiting for the day when just being me is enough for someone...