A Letter To My Anxiety

You Seem so Real

You seem so real

And this whole relationship is a big deal

And I still can’t decide

Even though you always take my side

It seems like an easy one

But I went for it just for some fun

You're magnetic and draw me in

I can’t help but feel the pull on the sting attached to my tin

My ex was a cartoon

And you hit me with a harpoon

As I tried to do to him

But he didn’t understand he was so dim

He was fake happy, living in a world with no storms

And precipitation comes in many forms

So how’d he get the rainbows?

He hung out with too many hoes

You're talking about kissing on new years

As I thought about with Juan last year before he caused me tears

But I wouldn’t want to with you because you're not near

Oh my lovely dear

You're prince charming

But because Juan was doing the heart harming,

I can’t fall head over,

Heels; Juan is what's left of the stover

I Want to See You Again

The smell on your shirt, has left

I used to get high off it

If ever, it will be years until the next time I see you

I know you’re not who a lot of people think you are

When is the next time I can capture the bass clef?

Elegant painfully good songs

Not that I’m jealous

No luck

Neglecting my big dream

Knowing, if you work hard you can less wrongs

I’m going to try to up my game

Kangaroo it up

Knotted, and stuck tight

Knocking and banging on my dream's ragged, hard door

Cars so many, with people most of the same

Ought to be different and stand out

Right away I realized that I want it

Ringing in my ears the impact you made on me

Raging sea of bloodsweet, heartful music and people

Unfair richness, born with an endless money spout

Oh why?

Yelling and screaming for another chance

Yak club, I can’t afford the cost to see your face

For I will deny

Dominos

After I goof for one night

Just for delight

All the dominoes started to fall

After I grew them so tall

I can't stop them from falling

Even after all the other times its still appalling

They continue

Like they have sinew

Until I get up and face it

I still don't have a permit

By then it's too late

The dominoes I try to berate

I must start building from the bottom up

Dear depression, just shut up

It seems like I finally got my dominoes straight

I lost my marbles then stepped on one, how great?!

They fall down like words from my brain right to the page

Spreading like bacteriophage

The world seems to be running out of words

We're not moving forwards

They get used up as they fall

Some I can't recall

It's all my fault that one fell

Should I tell?

Everyone thinks that all of them falling was my fault

But there's some left over words in the vault

It was just one goof night

Just for delight

If there was more space they wouldn't have fell

Turns out I didn't tell

What do you expect from a curious 16 year old?

Especially one who doesn't like fitting the mold

Lately I have had steady hands near the domino line

That was divine

Now all I can hear is the dominoes falling with that smooth ticking

The ones left standing you can find me kicking

As the white contrast with the black dots turn grey

What in the world will I say?

It was one goof night,

Full of delight

They are falling so speedily, I am unable to rack up the dots

All I see is flashing spots

I need a partner in crime

They could help me keep my black and white straight in time

The only thing left for me to do is sit back and stair

If the polka dotted towers had more air they might not have flared

I plead that it was just one goof night

That was full of delight

Inside

The past is the past

It may not have been the best

Let’s just leave it at that

But soon I'll be free from this wrecked nest

Right now it's not fun

It's those memories

I should hurry up, get over it and be done

Families that feel like enemies

The stares that pierce through you

They judge

But they don't have a clue

Their stubborn heads won't budge

I now look forward, so don't make me look back

I will be better someday

I won the treasure by slapping the jack

I didn't mean it like that way

No one to trust

No one to hold and clutch

Heat full of tumble weeds and dust

Not even a love touch

I was invisible

They didn't care

But anything is live-able

So I built my own lair

They didn't pay attention either

Suck it up and deal

Never got a breather

No one cares how I really feel

Say that you love me then break me like a china plate

Why did you make me sit on a towel?

Well now you're too late

Never had good bowels

Always felt out of place

I'm sorry but some things can't be forgiven

After things happened I don't feel safe

But I'm going to keep on live'n

Always felt different and weird

In a bad way

I tried to make all of it disappear

Nobody I wanted ever stayed

Tears roll'n down my cheek

They hit the floor like glass

The feelings that are deep down are antique

It can happen that fast

I've learned how to turn myself into a rock

Always picking up my own head

It causes me to have writers block

While people eat the meat, I don't whine and take the bread

No one cared if my head drooped down

I was forced to walk alone

They ignored me when one my face there was a frown

That's when my heart turned to stone

Shadow Girl

Broken,

No one knows

No one cares

No one can see my depressed shadow

But that shadow is mine and it’s the other half of me

It is taking over

My hallow, dark inside, body makes a shadow

Please stop walking on my shadow and thinking nothing of it

You think stomping on it is funny

But you don’t realize that, that is me

I want to put a cast on my broken shadow but I can’t because it moves with me and is always behind me

You fall for the fake smiles and laughs in the front but you forget to look in the back

If anyone really did love me they would look in the back and try to control it

They would try their best to stop and conquer it

The sun only brings out my shadow more

I hate the sun

I like rainy dark days

I like the feeling but I hate it at the same time

Flit Flirt

You, little flit flirt

Back at my window

From bad to good, my feelings you convert

The wind blows, blows, blows

  Window, open, I still can’t hear you

Please stay

With you I think I’ll get through

My light of day

  Everything, you give

I’ll saver

Die for you, or live?

If you ever need a favor...

  You and I don’t have the clock,

Don’t rush

Love, my time torturously tick tocks

Me heart you better not crush

  I will succeed

Still you come and go

Love me?

You taught me how to go with the flow

Blue Jay

She comes up to me just because I was alone

Little did she know I had been texting my friend on my phone

She proceeded to ask me a simple question

While on the inside I died and didn’t let out a groan

I was so anxious I almost pissed

What she said I almost missed

She caught me off guard

As I almost failed to answer in my panic she tsked

Why do I get singled out?

I'm not the kind who will pout

I felt like running to guidance

Is it that clear that I don’t belong here?; I have to stop the self doubt

Please stop asking me if this is where I belong because I’ll fucking leave school if you want

My existence alone seems to cause you so much trouble, when all I'm doing is reading my font

I'm minding my business so you should mind yours

Then again you don’t seem to mind just like my uncle and aunt

I wanted to run

With her I'm am so done

She’s an intrusive judge of society

She reminds me of the days my face would feel as hot as the sun

I wanted to fly

But I was stuck under her painful stare and I sure did die

Her voice seemed to flow in a different language

If only I had the life of a newspaper and a house fly

I dreamed of running, running, flying like a blue jay

A little bird is trying to keep me happy without any delay

I feel horrible about being more of a bee

He deserves more of a girlfriend who is in class A

I'm all anxious and my life sucks

I'm trying to stop giving any fucks

I do love how he said something I have always been thinking about this place

You really don’t fall in love the same way twice; so I don’t know, shucks

It’s entirely my fault

That my life has been at a halt

You're going to have so much fun with my stubbornness and my awkwardness

I love how I can’t tell who’s the ocean and who’s the salt

Light Pollution

Staring at the dark ceiling

I have it memorized

If only the glow in the dark stars were real constellations

I’d know my way around them by now

I’m a night owl; a nocturnal creature dealing

A toilet flushing down the hall

Brings me back to my punishment of being under aged

Being owned by your parents

They call it custody

I call it a prison of musty walls

I'm allergic to the stuffy skeleton of this house

Keeping the keys quiet so I don’t get in trouble

Deep trouble

For something so little

In comparison of the big picture and the hole in my blouse

I need to get away from the light pollution

So I can shine brighter than my cousins

Two stars, and I get compared to them

It’s inevitable because I'm trapped being related

Because I must be part of the salty solution

I must get away from the people asking me why I'm not shining,

While my surface is burning hotter than magma

Waiting to explode

Letting the pressure you put in me develop,

Into diamonds I will wear while going out with a special one dining

Letting some steam off in a perfect sun storm

I'm fast and burn hard

But I wait like a cat about to pounce

You won’t see it coming before you're in a ring of flames

You can’t freeze my flames out, with your heart so cold you still can’t even make the temperature go from hot to warm

This Place Is Whole

This place is whole

There are no sink holes to worry about

There’s a whole lot of good

And a whole lot of bad

A whole lot of heartache

And a whole lot of love to heal in

I'm whole in my imperfectness

And I'm whole in all of my mistakes

I will try to always be my whole self

There’s a whole lot of Eddie

And if he ever has a football, I will always be ready,

With a whole lot of this

And a whole lot of that

A whole place

To just be

To just exist

And be okay with just that

A Crack In My Self Loathing

I accidentally just fell in love with myself

It was a crack in my self loathing that will soon be mended

It was the messy hair

That was still messy despite the ponytail

Despite my favorite hat containing it

It was my blue eyes

Looking at me

In my baggy hand-me-down shirt

That makes me feel

Comfortable

It was knowing that I had clay all over me

A mess

But that's exactly what I am

And I know its a flaw

But sometimes

It's the one style I know how to rock

Part mess and part artist

I wasn't trying to love myself in this moment

It just happened

When I looked in the mirror

Because I was about to brush my teeth for the night