Artwork Copyright © Tyler Spangler

I did the best I could with the amount of time, energy, and knowledge I had in the moment. I am a part of nature; like crashing waves or seasonal fruit trees, I will not be perfectly consistent. I am not failing or falling behind, it makes sense why it didn’t work out. I didn’t have the resources or people that I needed to complete that thing successfully. I will find them. It is everyone’s first time living and we are all learning how to navigate it together. I forgive it all.

i am silently rooting for all of you, all the time. even if we have not spoken, even if we barely know each other, know that i see you, i hear you, and i am rooting for you. it’s so easy to go about life feeling isolated and alone, but know that i am always rooting for you and the things that you hold dear to you. i do not mean it in a shallow or facetious way, clearly, i can’t ever know all your good days and bad days, but know that i am sending a silent wish to whoever is listening that things go well. there is always someone rooting for you, on the good and bad days and everything in between.

how to not be a perfectionist by Molly Brodak

how avpd might impair your ability to process information/cues when in social situations

avpd can cause hyper-vigilance

this means you are constantly scanning for danger

because you are constantly scanning for danger, you might pick up on incidental actions of others and reinterpret them as rejection (for example thinking everyone who laughs in your earshot, must be laughing at you, when it isn't the case*)

because you are constantly scanning for danger, your processing systems in the brain become flooded and overwhelmed

this means there are no capacities left to actually process the impulses in depth -> everything ends up being labeled a threat

only option left -> withdraw to a safer space with less impulses

alternative, if you don't withdraw: you are then left with a flood of vague sensations that you are not safe

if you are constantly scanning for danger, you are expecting dangerous social cues. this leads to a chance for misidentifying things, overthinking, etc...

as your anxiety goes up you become overwhelmed -> the capacity to process information goes down: a stressed brain is bad at thinking

in this anxious state, everything gets labeled a threat in a scattered way

fleeing environment confirms what you already think about yourself: "you're an anti-social weirdo who can't socialize" -> more shame and embarrassment

this makes you search for even more proof next time you're in a social situation

this cycle is self-perpetuating

🌀VICIOUS CIRCLE! 🌀

coping mechanisms like trying to calm yourself down by thinking about what you're have for lunch later, etc... might even make things worse, because you are not there in the moment, might appear absent-minded, scattered, which can lead to actual rejection or negative reactions from those around you.

this then confirms what you already think: "people hate you, etc..."

i took these notes while listening to this podcast: Avoidant Personality Disorder - Sensitive, Vigilant and Socially Anxious. i really liked the breakdown of the cognitive processes, because they perfectly map onto my behaviour. the podcast is for therapists by therapists and unfortunately didn't offer much in terms of what someone who is suffering with avpd can do, to counteract this. it was more about advice for therapists. however, it was still a great insight and i recommend giving it a listen. especially the first 35 or so minutes that offer different explanations for what causes avpd and how it shows up in people.

*just an addition here: those of us who have been through bullying know that sometimes people are actually laughing at you. if you've been through it before it obviously makes this worse imo. but still, people laughing now, are not laughing at us. especially strangers. and even if they are, it's important to have skills to deal with it and not let it worsen our mood, make us anxious, etc...

it’s okay to have “unflattering” symptoms

it’s okay to have “embarrassing” symptoms

it’s okay to have “gross” symptoms

it’s okay to have “ugly” symptoms

it’s okay to have “inconvenient” symptoms

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