I'm just a girl...standing in front of tumblr asking for some attention
63 posts
Latest Posts by parihere - Page 2
[please read the previous poems for context ly]
Letters from juliet (IV)
I woke up today and realised
that it isn't about your name not being there on my lips
it's not about the roses not smelling like you
or the coffee not reminding me of us
or me not being afraid of thunder anymore
It's the fact that I wish it wasn't this way
I , deeply, desperately, delusionally wish for -
my lips to be stained by your name
not just roses but every single flower to remind me of you
me to be scared of every thunderstorm
and that is because
a part of me
a stupid godamn part of me
wishes that you'll be there to comfort me
maybe I'm still holding onto that part of me
a poet Ahmad Faraz once said
"ranjish hī sahī dil hī dukhāne ke liye aa
aa phir se mujhe chhoḌ ke jaane ke liye aa"
Just the thought of you coming back generates more happiness than the inherent pain of you walking away
which you will
you always do
with so much ease
it makes me question humanity
Maybe you didn't like me
but just for humanity,
I expected you to turn around
but you didn't
Or maybe you did and I didn't catch you
(Even though I haven't looked away since the first time I saw you)
how is it so easy for you?
how is it so hard for me?
did you ever have tears in your eyes for me?
No
No you didn't
I did
Way too many times
I am drowing in them right now
I don't know why I have them
Maybe I am sad that you have left
maybe I am sad that I didn't leave with you
Maybe I am sad that you left with someone else
Maybe I am worried that this "someone" won't love you as much as I did
Maybe I am worried that this "someone" does love you as much as I did
Maybe I am angry that I made a fool of myself
That I wasted my time on you
maybe that's all you were
a waste of time and energy
maybe that's how I want to remember it
But the stupid part of me won't let that happen
I want to remember you as my first love
As the first person I shared a part of myself with
The first person who made me feel stupid
The person who made me a hopeless romantic
And then left me hopelessly
and now I want to turn into you
I want to pretend to care
I want to pretend to like someone
I don't want to be a hopeless romantic anymore
So that just the way I fixed you
Someone fixes me
I am sure many people want to
Many people are stupid like me
Yk the worst thing about habits?
they take 21 days to form
But won't even go away in 21 years
(I can't confirm it I'm still 16)
"Marne ke baad bhi meri aankhen khuli rhi
Aadat pari thi inhe intezaar ki"
~habits
maybe it's not even the "habit"
maybe it's just the aftertaste of it
maybe the aftertaste is like a scar
which heals over time but still leaves an imprint
"i looked down on my body
only to find myself drowned in those footprints
a sign of visitors"
I have to come to terms with it
That I am here and will always be
But you have walked away
far away
I have to let these scars heal
I have to
I can't let them stay open
they'll catch an infection
maybe I want them to
because that stupid part of me
hopelessly hopes that'll you'll come to treat it
that you'll kiss it better
you won't
someone will
someone will walk in to treat all the wounds they didn't create
someone will walk in to heal something they didn't break
"i saw the tides gently wipe away some of these footprints while leaving the most
only to make space for more visitors to come
the visitors leave , their footprints stay
until another visitor walks over them"
6:15 PM
I have my revision test tomorrow from 4pm
focusing on chemistry today and going to do maths tomorrow morning
chapters that I'm expecting to complete :
- thermodynamics (today)
- thermochemistry (today)
- sequence and series (tmrw)
- binomial theorem (just the pyqs) (wtv time left)
I just have maybe 60 days until my jee exams first attempt (fuck my life)
— Arthur Miller, The Crucible
yeah I'm definitely failing chemistry
11:07 AM
Just came back after giving my physics mid term,
whew
Stayed up till 5:50 for an exam at 7:15 AM
I honestly don't know how it went , it could've been a lot better , I'm not happy with the way it went :''(
My brain hurts a lot, i just want to eat and sleep rn but guess fucking what? ...chem tomorrow
kill me now kill me now
I'll have to start studying by mid noon anyhow
I can't complain cause i brought this on myself
Karma is a bitch
I should've studied beforehand
don't be like me
study now , be sane later
But it's okay , I know I'll bounce back , I just need to take it one day at a time
Sometimes you just need to grab something to eat , take a good nap and get back up
that's it
let's see if I finish mid term or mid term finishes me
how does active recall work?
active recall is a method of studying where you actively stimulate your memory during the learning process. instead of passively reviewing notes or textbooks, you test yourself on the material, forcing your brain to retrieve information. this process strengthens your memory and enhances your understanding of the subject.
the principle behind active recall is simple: the more you practice retrieving information, the better you become at remembering it. this technique involves:
asking yourself questions about the material.
summarizing information without looking at your notes.
using flashcards to test your knowledge.
teaching the material to someone else.
Update:
I was up till 5:30 am or something and after that too i couldn't sleep.
exam started at 7:15 and
it went wayy better than I thought it would , tho there were some tricky mcq ques , I did pretty good on the theory ques (I just yapped)
so what I'm saying is : pull that all nighter to complete your syllabus it's soo worth it (just take a nap later bbg)
also,
Physics exam is fucking tomorrow (killmenowpls)
02:40 AM
I have my physical education theory paper this morning (fml) never thought I would have to memorize yoga poses (fml again)
pulling an all nighter rn
3/6 chapters done , 3 more to go
I guess I'll stay up for an hour or two more take one hour nap and go for it (I'm not proud of myself ik)
mid-term week ; let's see if I finish mid-term or mid-term finishes me
02:40 AM
I have my physical education theory paper this morning (fml) never thought I would have to memorize yoga poses (fml again)
pulling an all nighter rn
3/6 chapters done , 3 more to go
I guess I'll stay up for an hour or two more take one hour nap and go for it (I'm not proud of myself ik)
mid-term week ; let's see if I finish mid-term or mid-term finishes me
Rainy Night in Tokyo // valvey_film
jimin riding the struggle bus all over connecticut feat. jungkook sometimes helping and sometimes not helping
Day 4/271 days until finishing my A-level resit
Suuuuuper productive day today! Caught up on all the work I’d missed at certain points in the past 2 weeks.
Finished all my work for tutoring next week
Completed my revision on the cognitive perspective
Finally perfected some knowledge on Moray (1959)
Even had time to meet up with a friend group before they head off to uni next week! Had some lovely vegetarian curry that my friend made me and found some conkers :)
Snack of the day ~ falafels and hummus
Day 3/271 days until finishing my A-level resit
Pretty chill day today, met up with some friends tonight and was totally fascinated by some flowers they had in their living room :D
Did some essay plans for the evaluation of the cognitive perspective
Edited a 15 mark essay for my tutor next week
FINALLY finished off my Observational Methods Research essay!
I’m looking at trying some more study resources/methods. I’m currently using Quizlet and Notion a lot but I’d love some recommendations of other interesting resources!
Snack of the day ~ left over mac and cheese
65/100 days of productivity
a recap of my summer!! i managed to get a lot of research/writing done, and even started working on a journal paper as well! I'm definitely not a summer person, but I somehow managed to survive the heatwave - I'm so ready for the well-deserved vacation starting tomorrow :)
listening to: sixtones lost city
Goddess of Rot
Closure.
[looking back at a diary entry]
It's 31st May , 2024 , 6 am in the morning
I didn't sleep at all I stayed up doing random things, but all of it ended with me praying
well , for someone as pathetic as i
there could me many things to pray for ;
a better life , health , my parents to (finally) love me , good grades , any improvement of any sort infact
But at the end of a day and the start of another
I find myself praying for him
for how I wish I could hug him goodbye
how I wish I could meet him for one last time
how I wish I could look into his eyes one last time
how I wish I could hear him laugh one last time
How I wish I could see him smile one last time
and oh how I wish to just lay my eyes on him one last time
to just rest my eyes on him and memorize every little detail
the way his almond eyes are a little widespread
the way his nose scrunches as a reflex everytime he's in sun
the his smile is slightly titled towards left
the way his lips just stay in the same position when he laughs
the way his eyes catch the first hint of emotion that eventually creeps across his face
the way he raises his eyebrows subconsciously
the way he touches his nose everytime he is thinking
the way he shifts his head to one side whenever he stands
the way his teeth are bent forwards at a 10° angle
he is a beautiful boy
I probably don't even remember what he looks like exactly
I would just love to admire him one last time
I was not sure whether i should use past or present tense when I talk of his face
I am sure he changed
He probably looks prettier now
only to make me hate myself more
I often wonder if he is completely oblivious to my feelings
is he completely unaware of how much I want to hug him
not to feel anything but just a warm embrace
by him
by the first boy I fell in love with when I was just a kid
the first boy whose name I wrote at the back of my diary to find "flames" of lol
Embracing him would be like embracing my entire childhood
my ages through puberty
my acne phase
my bob-hair-tomboy-anjali phase
my boyband phase
my bangs phase
my theater phase
my artist phase
my jee phase
through it all he was there
not physically but somewhere in my heart
Just there
like an asshole really
somewhere he shouldn't be
but just with his legs on the table with shoes still on , a ciggerate in one hand and my diary in other
he owns it
he knows the command he has over me even if he isn't there
is that what romanticizing someone out of bounds feels like?
someone who isn't yours, was never yours ,will never be yours
but you know that the world is a game of gamble
and even a chance as small as a spec of sand is still a chance
and you hold onto that chance so dearly that everything you think about is consumed by that tiny possibility against the innumerable odds
yet you fight the world and it's rules just to think of yourself as his and his as yours
irrationally , erratically, irresistibly
I fantasize sometimes that maybe if i hugged him good bye
maybe then he would take his shoes off the table and leave
maybe that hug could do what almost 10 years of life couldn't
I fantasize sometimes that maybe if i had a huge fight with him and told him to get out
maybe then he would flip me off and leave
maybe that fight could do what almost 10 years of life couldn't
but that hug and that fight are the spec of sand
against the odds that I might never see him in this lifetime
and if I do I am sure that I would turn into that little girl again who understood what being vulnerable meant at an alarmingly young age
I wish I could just lie in his arms and cry
cry about how much I miss him
about how much I wish he was mine
about how much I hate him
about how difficult it has been to hate him
and about how I would go to the moon and back just to see him break into a titled smile
I was literally ready to fight anything and anyone to protect him
and I did
until i realised that he doesn't want my protection
until I realise how foolish it was to go to battles for someone who doesn't even want you to
; not because they care about you getting hurt
but because they wouldn't care at all even if you died
maybe he was blind and didn't see me
Or maybe he saw me and used my help and just left like that
I truly don't know which one is worse
I hate how much space he consumes of my thoughts
I hate how everything reminds me of him
his song pops up in my recommendations
everytime I open my eyes I see his favourite colour
when I open my phone and there are messages from him
when I open my phone and there are no messages from him
i hate how much I love him
when I don't cross his mind at all
lol
when you let go of people you are painfully seeking approval or love from, you return to yourself. you return to what feels truer to you and to what brings you happiness. you are reminded that life does not always have to feel bad, that you do not always have to feel like you aren’t enough, that what you want for yourself and your future goes beyond a single person’s regard of you. you notice the energy start to shift and flow more fluidly. pay attention to all of this.
Unloved
As I sit in my room with
books scattered in front of me
My blankets bundled up because I don't bother to fold them
i wonder
What is so inherently unlovable about me
I'm just 17
nobody stays forever ,I know that
but with the fast moving lives everyone from my generation around me is living
I fail
I fail to make my parents proud
I fail to make my friends be there for me whenever I actually need them
heck , I fail to even get a boyfriend
I don't have one
never had one
every boy I have ever talked to has at one point just given up
they do call me beautiful
they do say they like me
but like everything and everyone around me they don't want anything "more" from me
with nothing in my hands
I often believe not even my parents love me
but maybe that's an exaggeration yk
they do stay unlike everyone else who just walks away
But
They don't help either
They do love me I know
They do support me I know
But it's just a rarity for us to just sit and talk
without fights
without my self esteem down the drain
I can't remember the last time I sat with my dad and discussed the latest Bollywood movies
I can't remember the last time I gossiped with my mom about our relatives
it's so funny that even for a family of three lovi under the same roof
we have managed to distance ourselves
so
If even the people i live with don't stay with me
who will?
and As I lay on my bed with
books scattered in front of me
My blankets covering up my face because I fear someone will see the tears swelled up
i wonder
What is so inherently unlovable about me
and i drift off to sleep
hoping to find the answers in my dream
Last one standing
Unique ; is it the new normal?
I was 4 when I first heard the adjective
I was 10 when I heard it being used for me
I was joyous and blushed timidly in glee
I thought of myself as distinctive as the snow that falls on December 1st
I thought of myself as the honey dew that quenches the oak's thirst
i thought of myself as sole as the titanic beneath the sea
I thought of myself as second to noone ; there's only and only me
But as I grew up
I stepped down
I lurched around
I stumbled upon an abundance
Of personalities that strike resemblance
to me , and me to others
"Was it all just a farce?"
Was I not as unparalleled as the striking beauty of marble under moon?
was I not as novel as the trooping of hues paraded across june?
was I not as isolated in this world as i thought I would be?
I wanted to be second to noone; the world to have only and only me
But as I walk through my life I find a piece of myself in everyone I see
some beautiful some horrific
and some beautifully horrific
some prude , some so kind
some weak and some with a sharp mind
some eccentric, some basic
some with witts and some ritz
some ambitious, some unsure
and some who couldn't take it anymore
but one piece that I'd find in them all
t'was their wish to be the last one to fall
that one piece encapsulating everything-myself
a bit of me that made them me
a bit of me that made me myself
no matter who's in the right and who's wrong
no matter whose weapon is feeble and whose strong
no matter who started first
no matter who said more
I'll always have the last laugh
I'll always reach the shore
so I am second to noone
there will only and only be me
because I'll be the last one standing
no matter what the scene
[read the previous poems for context ly]
Letters from Juliet (IV)
I woke up today and realised
that it isn't about your name not being there on my lips
it's not about the roses not smelling like you
or the coffee not reminding me of us
or me not being afraid of thunder anymore
It's the fact that I wish it wasn't this way
I , deeply, desperately, delusionally wish for -
my lips to be stained by your name
not just roses but every single flower to remind me of you
me to be scared of every thunderstorm
and that is because
a part of me
a stupid godamn part of me
wishes that you'll be there to comfort me
maybe I'm still holding onto that part of me
a poet Ahmad Faraz once said
"ranjish hī sahī dil hī dukhāne ke liye aa
aa phir se mujhe chhoḌ ke jaane ke liye aa"
Just the thought of you coming back generates more happiness than the inherent pain of you walking away
which you will
you always do
with so much ease
it makes me question humanity
Maybe you didn't like me
but just for humanity,
I expected you to turn around
but you didn't
Or maybe you did and I didn't catch you
(Even though I haven't looked away since the first time I saw you)
how is it so easy for you?
how is it so hard for me?
did you ever have tears in your eyes for me?
No
No you didn't
I did
Way too many times
I have them in my eyes right now
I don't know why I have them
Maybe I am sad that you have left
maybe I am sad that I didn't leave with you
Maybe I am sad that you left with someone else
Maybe I am worried that this "someone" won't love you as much as I did
Maybe I am worried that this "someone" does love you as much as I did
Maybe I am angry that I made a fool of myself
That I wasted my time on you
maybe that's all you were
a waste of time and energy
maybe that's how I want to remember it
But the stupid part of me won't let that happen
I want to remember you as my first love
As the first person I shared a part of myself with
The first person who made me feel stupid
The person who made me a hopeless romantic
And then left me hopelessly
and now I want to turn into you
I want to pretend to care
I want to pretend to like someone
I don't want to be a hopeless romantic anymore
So that just the way I fixed you
Someone fixes me
I am sure many people want to
Many people are stupid like me
Yk the worst thing about habits?
they take 21 days to form
But won't even go away in 21 years
(I can't confirm it I'm still 16)
"Marne ke baad bhi meri aankhen khuli rhi
Aadat pari thi inhe intezaar ki"
~habits
maybe it's not even the "habit"
maybe it's just the aftertaste of it
maybe the aftertaste is like a scar
which heals over time but still leaves an imprint
"i looked down on my body
only to find myself drowned in those footprints
a sign of visitors"
I have to come to terms with it
That I am here and will always be
But you have walked away
far away
I have to let these scars heal
I have to
I can't let them stay open
they'll catch an infection
maybe I want them to
because that stupid part of me
hopelessly hopes that'll you'll come to treat it
that you'll kiss it better
you won't
someone will
someone will walk in to treat all the wounds they didn't create
someone will walk in to heal something they didn't break
"i saw the tides gently wipe away some of these footprints while leaving the most
only to make space for more visitors to come
the visitors leave , their footprints stay
until another visitor walks over them"
Beach Prints
I see beautiful tragedies of life in the footprints prints on the beach , do you?
i sat down on the sea shore
as a visitor
only to find myself in an ocean of footprints
A sign of visitors
that walk over
pass by the beach
i looked down on my body
only to find myself drowned in those footprints
a sign of visitors
that once walked with me
now pass by me
these scars are just footprints then.
what do I think of them?
which ones i treasure
which ones i mourn
whatever I think of them,
they will remain on me , as a sign.
a sign of visitors
and just like that,
i found the proof of
every tear
every laughter
every time I felt sick of someone
every time I felt homesick for someone
i saw the tides gently wipe away some of these footprints while leaving the most
only to make space for more visitors to come
the visitors leave , their footprints stay
until another visitor walks over them
to create a new trail of these prints
they don't reach far beneath surface
but they are the decorations of sand
what do they teach me?
something beautiful
something tragic
i see the beautiful tragedies of life in the footprints on beach , do you?
Letters from Juliet (III)
I saw you last night at the bar
broad shoulders
scar on right cheek
and signature black hoodie
Rum over beer?
that's too mature for the "you" i knew
I Wanted to ask you so many questions
How was your day?
Your month
Your year
Your girlfriend
just your voice ,
quite enough for me.
brings me back to last winter
sneaking into my room at midnight
Telling me about your day
Hearing about mine.
How the others were having parties
While we layed in bed talking about stellar.
do you still find the moon fascinating?
will you still go to outer space with me?
Are we really not kids anymore?
i am still here with you
Have been for a while.
have you?
this could be our ultimate day
you pained me
ruined me
that's not what I hate you for
i hate you precisely because ,
I love you
doesn't matter what limits you cross
a glimpse of you a day ,
all my worries away.
We're poets aren't we jack?
we romanticise pain and
feel pain in romance
we keep it close to us till mortality hits.
but today was different,
I woke up without your name on my lips
your smell wasn't there in the roses
the coffee didn't remind me of us
Well not us ,
You and I.
the dogs barked today and i didn't flinch
the lightning struck today but my heart remained still
i liked the downpour with a hand on my dog's head
i changed
you did it
and with that
"Me" was "mine"
and not "yours"
-Agrima Nath