Wait So I Keep Seeing Like Posts And Stuff On Tumblr And I'm Like "hm, That's Nice" But For Whatever

spent-my-entire-paycheck-on-psychological-theory-books syndrome (and matcha)

Guts - Nina Catherine

Guts - Nina Catherine

Mama, I see crows when I shut my eyes

Cold is the worst feeling. I decided that when I was eight years old. Just looking at the wooden floor, it feels as though I could sink right through it and fall into the earth. But when I lay my tired body down onto it, it hardens and becomes what I know it rationally to be, another impermeable wall. I look up from the floor and through the door frame ahead of me. It’s dark in that room, my mother is asleep and she’s been asleep. About an hour prior, I frantically shook her up. With tears in my eyes I pleaded to her, “I don’t want to die Mama. I’m scared and I see crows when I close my eyes. They fly over my head and shriek and I don’t want to die.” She pulled the old cream-colored covers over her head and sunk further into the bed. I was never brave enough to ask if I could sleep in bed with her, I was never brave enough to sleep at her feet or next to her bed on the floor. I lowered myself onto the wooden floor just outside of her room. For hours I traced the part of the door’s frame that I could reach from the floor. I breathed in the dust that decorated the hall. I pressed my ribs into the floor to feel the wood beat my pulse back to me. I never got back up to retrieve a blanket or pillow from my room for fear that my mother’s door might’ve been closed when I came back. She always made such awful sounds as she slept but they were like a lullaby on those nights. I remember how cold it was more than anything and I go back there every time I shiver or my skin becomes goose bumped. In the winter I go crazy but I say that about summer too. I don’t like these extremes, the suffocating heat or the cold dry winds.

i know that i will be able to handle the fallout of following blindly what i want and what feels right to me even when that proves to be an incomplete reasoning

Guts - Nina Catherine