Ragnarok Out Of Context Like...

Laurits the second he knew he was Vidar’s son

Trials of Loki AU Chapter 1

@parrotxx I did it!

Well atleast the first Chapter. I'm still not sure how i'll get him to earn his place back to godhood. And it was a little rushed near the end. Also havent proof read.

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Hi, I'm Loki Laufeyjarson. I used to be a god—err, Jotun. My 'godly membership' was revoked two thousand and sixteen years ago.

In my many, many years of living (if you can call most of it life), the Aesir have punished me in lots of creative ways. They've forced me to go get new golden hair for Sif. Let my mouth get stitched up. Murdered my sons and defiled their corpses to chain me to a rock. Put a snake over the aforementioned rock to drip venom on my face until Ragnarok.

But never in my immortal existence have they done something like this.

And I'm not even sure how they did it.

The last thing I remember was making an err...tactical retreat after a flyting with Magnus Chase. Being in a walnut that I definitely chose to be in, then sitting on a table surrounded by very angry Aesir, and then falling. Buildings spiralling in and out of my view. I tried to shapeshift into a bird, a dragon, or maybe even a butterfly—something that, as a Jotun, should come naturally to me, but I just kept falling, still humanoid. Which is very...uncomfortable.

Thankfully, I had a soft landing.

I sat up, groaning in a pile of leaves, spitting out a red leaf, and glaring at the park groundskeeper, who was staring at me bewildered. My ribs ached, and I was pretty sure were broken.

"What?" I snapped, "Never seen a guy fall from the sky?"

The groundskeeper's jaw dropped, and he fled, leaving his rake behind. Pretty sure he needed that.

The very annoying voice of Odin rang in my mind: YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF, LOKI.

"Very helpful, Odin. Now, how do I fix it? Do I have to watch one of your stupid PowerPoints?" I asked, "Get you a new raven?"

Odin's shrill voice boomed in my head like he was yelling too close into a microphone: FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF.

I rolled my eyes, massaging my temples. Great. Just great. Not only do I get—

—AND MY POWERPOINTS AREN'T STUPID, Odin bellowed before going completely silent.

Well, they are, old man, I thought before attempting to pick myself up from the leaf pile. My ribs cracked and throbbed in protest, and my stomach clenched. I barely managed to stand up before I wanted to sit back down again.

My vision blurred. I was in some sort of park. Blobs that I assumed were mortal children were playing loudly on a bigger blob—a playground of some sort, maybe?— nearby. Another grey blob stood in front of me—A statue, sadly probably not of me. I could hear running water, a fountain?

I took a deep breath, which was a mistake.

"Owwwweee!" I hissed through my teeth, "Yep. Yep, ribs definetly broken!"

My entire body screamed at me to lie back down. This mortal form was so... fragile. Every movement felt like snake venom dripping on my face, only this time it was my entire body. Everything was so soft and painful — How do you humans live like this? How do you deal with being so, so...weak? So fragile? Broken that easily? I hated it!

I managed to —painfully— drag myself to a bench, which proved to me once again that my ribs were definitely broken.

On the bright side: my vision finally decided to stop pretending it's a funhouse mirror and I could properly take in my surroundings.

I was right about the statue, it was not of me. Very sad. It was of that one guy—Leaf I think his name was. Seriously you mortals should get a statute of me erected (haha) instead of that nobody.

The sound of wolves howling rudely broke me out of my thoughts.

Which meant Fenris' pups were on the prowl.

Now usually I'm fine with wolves, my own son Fenris was born a wolf after all and these were his children—my grandchildren. But, I knew well enough to tell the difference between an 'I'm hungry let's go hunt, guys' howl and an 'Oh my gods guys. I love you all so much' howl.

This howl was the former.

And I'm not sticking around for it. Not because I think they'll attack me. They wouldn't dare try that. But because watching my grandchildren tear apart a mortal or the odd demigod brings back some very um.... unpleasant memories.

With a very painful protest from my squishy, broken, weak mortal body, I got up from the bench and started hobbling out of the park.

As I trudged out of the park and up the street, It started pouring rain because I clearly hadn't been humiliated enough. Thor decided to soak me.

"Really?" I yelled at the sky, slightly regretting it at the sharp sting of my ribs.

YES REALLY, Odin's voice boomed in my head. Though that could have been my imagination or delirium from the broken ribs.

"I'd never do this to you!" I retorted, pointing angrily at my head. Earning some weird looks from passing mortals.

YES YOU WOULD, several Aesir said in unison before going silent once more.

It's true I would. But that was beside the point! 

I am once again asking how you mortals deal with this? THIS IS TORTURE! And I should know! I've been tortured! Many times!

A car driving past decided I wasn't soaked and miserable enough and lovingly gave me a splash of muddy water, soaking my clothes, causing them to cling to my body.

I snarled before shivering.

I have to get out of here fast, I thought bitterly. I couldn't stay in one place for too long, not unarmed and injured anyway; I have too many enemies. All of which want me dead. Can't imagine why, I'm a delight!

But the problem with having as many enemies as I have is that I don't have many allies. There's my wife Sigyn, she's the only person I truly trust to not stab me in the back—mostly cause her hands are full from holding the bowl over my face but I digress.

But that opens up a whole other problem: I don't know where she is. She could be across the country ceramic bowl shopping for all I know!

So that kinda leaves me only one option, and I know neither one of us is going to like it. But I am really starting to feel woozy and I don't have a choice.

I stood outside Randolph Chase's mansion—well more Magnus Chase's mansion. I think Randy died, pretty sure I killed him. Not too sure about that, some of my memories are a bit foggy. Hope that's not a permanent thing.

Despite our rocky history of me trying to kill him and possibly killing his uncle, the son of Frey has proven himself to be somewhat sympathetic to me in the past. So maybe, I could appeal to his sense of compassion.

And if that doesn't work then I'll just convince one of my children to let me in. Because my children just cannot say no to me.

Because if they say no I'll make them say yes because they owe it to me for their powers and creating them.

Yay, parenting! 

The snarling wolf knocker rattled as I knocked on the door. Seriously what was it with Randy and wolves? Like, dude your sister got mauled by wolves have some decency...oh right he worked with me. He doesn't have that.

I yawned and rubbed my eyes. Why did I feel so tired all of a sudden? Why am I even doing this?

The door swung open and I had to dodge to avoid being hit in the face, something my broken ribs enjoyed very much.

It was in fact not Magnus that made an attempt on my life through door. It was the green-headed menace that I called my child.

Alex Fierro.

He—she? I couldn't tell, guess Odin didn't just take my immortality—didn't react to me in her/his usual hateful face. Which was a good sign. What wasn't a good sign was the fact that my vision was starting to swim again.

"Hey, Alex!" I chirped, before promptly passing out.

Oh for fuck sake.

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Chapter 2: Will be written soon.

Sygn: I have feelings for you. 

Loki: Why? What's wrong with you? Are you sure you're okay?

Loki: Okay, but what if we went to dinner not as friends this time?

Sygn: AS ENEMIES?!

Loki: ...

Joanne Harris’ internalized misogyny is SO ridiculous

So this is how Gospel!Loki sees his Sigyn

(Thank you to @yoursaviourhasarrived for this scan)

Before I start speaking about Sigyn, may I just say?

ANGIE??? For real??? HER NAME IS ANGRBODA. NOT “Angie”… how ridiculous is that? PLEASE. That is so… American… (sorry for my American friends, but XD)

Also, his mistress? THAT IS HIS FIRST WIFE. HE WAS MARRIED TO ANGRBODA. Stop changing the place of Loki’s wives to fit your narrative. 

Which means that, well… Angrboda was IN THE PAST, when Loki meant Sigyn. “Angie” is his ex, not his mistress..

“Angie” … SERIOUSLY XDXD

Now, about Sigyn.

Things that Gospel!Loki hates about Sigyn:

- her cooking : Why? Is it bad? I DON’T THINK SO.

- her love for Bragi’s luth-playing: LOL. Why? Are you jealous, Loki? ^^’ COME ON, SING A SONG TO YOUR WIFE.

- her attention and curious affinity with wildlife of all sort: Ahum… You mean that LOKI, who loves to turn himself into random animals, and is linked to many animals, … would hate his wife for talking to animals, and would not agree with her when she says that the little mousie could help them one day?

THAT LOKI IS AN IDIOT.

Random poll : Who is the worst Loki

-Gospel!Loki

- Old!Comics!Loki

Pretty sure Ratatoskr would be BFFs with this Sigyn <3

Ratatoskr: If your bloddy husband keeps being rude, just tell me, and I’ll bite him in the nuts!

Sigyn: You shall do no such thing

Ratatoskr: TRY AND STOP ME

As for the monogamy thing… AS IF LOKI WAS THE ONLY GOD WITH SEVERAL WIVES/LOVE INTERESTS.

You know who got other ladies in their lives? ODIN AND THOR.

And it’s not only the men! The goddesses too got lovers: Idunn, Sif, Frigg, Freya… SIF GOT A KID FROM A MAN WHO IS NOT THOR, and it’s ok!!!

Mrs Harris, did you even READ the Eddas? ‘Lokasenna’, does it ring any bells to you??? 

Anyway, Gospel!Loki complaining about Sigyn being basically a Disney Princess seems SO ridiculous… All the things that Harris pretends Loki would complain about, are pretty much the SAME THINGS Myth!Loki (& possibly MCU!Loki?) would find endearing and cute.

*Gospel!Sigyn baking her pies and talking to her mice friends and making friends that could one day help them*

Gospel!Loki *dramatic sigh*: See what I have to deal with, folks? She’s so annoying and pathetic! I need a REAL woman, like Angie…

Myth!Loki, fangirling: SHE IS SO CUTE!!!! … Wait, who are you calling “Angie”…

Gospel!Loki: Why, my mistress, Angrboda…

Myth!Loki, laughing: YOU CALL HER “ANGIE” TO HER FACE AND YOU ARE STILL ALIVE??? How is this even possible XDXD

MCU!Loki: Well, if you don’t want your Sigyn, I’ll take her. She’s a Disney!Princess, I am a Disney!Prince. It is MEANT TO BE. I’ll trade you a Sylvie for your Sigyn, do we have a deal? :)

Gospel!Loki: What’s a “Sylvie”?

Sylvie: OH NO YOU DON’T. I’d rather have the princess, anyway.

MCU!Loki: You can’t. I called dibs on her!

Sylvie: Well too late, mate! Bye!

Joanne Harris says that Loki is the one saying all those mean things about Sigyn, not HER… Girl, if any god whispered all those lies into your ear, THAT IS NOT LOKI.

I’d bet on Odin… He’s god of poetry, same as Bragi… and I can see him still pretty PISSED at Sigyn for siding with Loki, instead of being a good little Valkyrie, and fight by her king’s side… 

Loki would NEVER insult his wife like this. And most of all, he would never insult the ONE AND ONLY person who stayed by his side and helped him in that dark cave. 

And all the stuff “Loki” reproached Sigyn, they would be on the “No” list for ODIN…. Talking to animals, loving music, gossiping and cooking? XD Why would Loki hate that? ^^’ It’s utterly ridiculous, and 100% out-of-character for him.

Me about mcga Loki: Free my mans! He did all those things but it was funny!

Laurits is a certified MILF

Mary: I raised a perfectly functional kid. Jack, genuine confused: You have kids I don’t know about?